Friday, August 31, 2012

Real Talk: 4th Edition

Wow! Tomorrow is September first. While most folks are heading out of town to celebrate Labor weekend and anxously posting vacation pics on Twitter and Facebook (and Instagram), I'll be taking my much needed month-long sabbatical from anything and anything Social Networking related.

This edition of Real Talk is sort of bittersweet. When I first started this one man experiment in 2009, it was based on a bet that I couldn't give up Tweeting for a week. I raised that bet to a month and it included giving up Facebook, Twitter, IMs, AND TEXTING for an entire month...and while it was a difficult task, I survived it. My objectives have changed since then.

This year, time seems to be flying faster than before (probably because I've crossed that 30 threshold) and I've actually been enjoying my time using Social Networking for it's intended purpose: Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. But taking this break will once again make me appreciate the technology that is readily available to me when I need/want it.

For the next thirty days, if you have my actual phone number or physical address....use it. That's the only way you'll get ahold of me. Meanwhile, I'll be offline trying to enjoy the little bit of summer that's left, including a vacation with the bff....and perhaps a date or two. But that would require someone to go on a date with.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

No Cockblockers Allowed

Cockblock (verb): The art of interfering, by way of one’s mere presence, with the attempt of one person to freak another.

Cockblocker (noun): A person who interferes with another’s chance of getting laid.

I seem to be surrounded by an army of cockblockers lately, and I don’t really understand why. I’m already having “self-confidence” issues as of late due to various reasons in which I frankly need to get over, but I’m getting tired of the constant level of thirst surrounding me these days.

My most recent cockblock happened at work. I’m helping a gentleman upgrade his phone. He was fairly attractive, but had a body to DIE FOR. I’m going through my normal routine, helping him pick out a new phone, checking out his ass….I mean account to make sure he was on the right plan to suit his needs….

When out of NOWHERE, my friggin co-worker decides to get all up in my mix, annoying the shit out me, talking about porn subscriptions, girlfriends, vaginas….I don’t really know. It was all a blur and it was pissing me the fuck off. I wanted to kill him. Needless to say, the customer was trying to get the hell out as quickly as possible.

Was the guy gay? Was he straight? I don’t know. I don’t even care. He wasn’t your typical over entitled asshole of a customer, so for that I was in love.  What's that saying, "You catch more flies with honey....?"

This is just the most recent example, but seriously whether I’m at karaoke, at work, or just out with friends in general, my rooster gets blocked at any opportunity. But the next time somebody’s thirsty ass tries to take my tall drink of water, I’m putting some Shug Avery pee in it.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Will Fuck for Cheeseburgers

My my my....we've come a long way from Chicken Tetrazzini.

Out of the great state of Florida, we have Christine Faith Baker who was arrested after allegedly...ahem...offering sexual favors in exchange for 2 McDoubles at McDonald's.

That's right. Cheeseburgers bitch. An undercover police officer invited what I'm assuming is Ms. not Mrs. Baker into his car and was talking about tappin that trailor park booty. At that point, Baker ALLEGEDLY expressed that the price of her pussy is....2 McDoubles. Pay the fuck up.

The detective bought the cheeseburgers and drove to a vacant lot where she was arrested by other police officers. Womp Womp.

Now....I won't deny the powers that lie in a juicy McDonalds cheeseburger, nor will I deny the fact that I would consider exchanging sexual favors for food. But dammit, it would be in the privacy of my own home and it would have to be like a slab of ribs or something. But each it's own.

What I want to know is.....What would this bitch do for a Klondike Bar?

Thursday, February 23, 2012


Last week marked a milestone for me. In 1982, a star was born (LMAO!) and I turned 30 on February 15th. It seems like only last year I was celebrating my 25th birthday...probably because I was lying through my teeth about my age. But I was ready for 30. Despite everything that is going on, I am extremely happy with the position I am in at this time of my life and I am grateful for the people I am surrounded by to share it with. My best friend, DeVante flew in from Detroit to surprise me and celebrate! Here we are getting ready for the party:

Tons of well wishes from friends and family from all over the place filled me with such joy, and a very special gift from Deuce will always be with me to remind me of that day.

Now....the party! As you may or may not know, every Wednesday night is Karaoke night at Club Cafe in Boston....and I don't miss it for anything! Haha. So when it came to my attention that my 30th fell on a Wednesday, we knew we had to make it special. My friend Ryan (who's the host on Wednesdays) helped coordinate a Masquerade themed Karaoke night to celebrate.

It was absolutely amazing. I never had so much fun in my entire life and I am truly grateful to those who came out on a school night to celebrate and sing and eat cake and just got totally smashed with me! I didn't get too many pics because of all the debauchery going on, but I did manage to get a couple of performances on film. Don't judge me.

Miss Angela....Always shutting it down!

Me...trying to one-up her. Haha

After several drinks....

And what birthday is complete without cake?

Good times.....I can't wait for 31!

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Yesterday sucked.

I'm in the mall trying to de-stress from work, headed to Starbucks and my phone rings. My roommate delivers the worst news of the day: Whitney Houston had died.

I couldn't even think straight....I just had to get off the phone. Not Whitney. I refused to believe it. Then my phone rings again. It's my Best Friend. "Please don't tell me...." I said. "Yup..." was all he could say.

Fuck. It was true. My all-time FAVORITE singer....EVER....was dead.

I felt like a member of my own family had died. In a way, Whitney was family. I grew up with her. Listened to her music repeatedly as a child all the way through to present day. I loved her. There was no other singer like Whitney. And now she's gone.

I can't even phathom to list my favorite Whitney moments, because the list is infinite. But I will list a few:

1991 Billboard Music Awards - She shut it down with a performance of  Lover Man, My Man & All the Man I need.

1994 South Africa Concert - I Have Nothing

Star Spangled Banner

And of Course....

Rest in Peace Whitney. I will ALWAYS love you.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Dangerous Curves

Ladies, have you ever thought about surprising your insignificant other with some classy, creative titty art, but don't want to commit to a permanent tattoo?

Well look no further! A lovely company by the name of TaTaToos can give those tig ol bitties the tramp stamp of approval they need to impress those men (and women) waiting for that special delivery that is in your bra. These temporary tats are all for the low low price of $10, so buy em all, dammit!

Friday, January 06, 2012

When Drunk Bitches Attack

It looks like 2012 will be a crazy year indeed with recent news that a 36-year-old Colorado woman has been accused of drunkenly attacking a painting worth over $30 million, according to the Denver District Attorney’s Office.

Carmen Tisch, 36, was arrested after scratching, punching and rubbing her BARE ASS against Clyfford Still's "1957-J no.2" and then attempted to urinate on the painting. She however, missed. Tisch’s actions caused an estimated $10,000 in damage to the painting, which is valued between $30 and $40 million.

Where the fuck were her friends during all this? And more importantly, are they going to help pony up the $20,000 to bail her ass out of jail?

Monday, January 02, 2012

Eye in the Vagina

How I missed this story before boggles me, but alas....

One cold winter night, Dr. Melissa Barton was the attending physician in the emergency department of the Detroit Medical Center. I'm sure it was a slow night in the ER and doc was probably like "piece of cake." No bitch...

Making her rounds, she picked up a chart for a new patient and read the woman's chief complaint: "eye in the vagina."

You read that right.

 Eye. In. The. Fucking. Vagina.

If I were a doctor, I would seriously be like "What the fuck??" But this is why I didn't go to Med School. But anyway...

The patient told Barton she had been expecting a fight with some neighbors outside her house. Wearing only a sweatshirt and spandex pants, she needed somewhere to stow her prosthetic eye for safe-keeping. "Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace," Barton said. "So that's where it went, along with her driver's license." Unfortunately, it got stuck.

Of course she put her eye in her vagina. She couldn't just leave it in the trailer for somebody to steal, now could she??? She probably pulled out a baseball bat from there to fight the other girl with. How dreadful.

This woman clearly did not know what she was doing. Asian women have been shoving ping pong balls up their snatch and popping them out for generations, and this woman loses an eye up there. Where is Doctor Yang when you need her?