Tuesday, May 26, 2009

100% Classy

This woman is taking MILF to a whole new level.

Police say Deborah Lee Towe had sex with her daughter's friends (as young as 15), in a Walmart parking lot, an elementary school parking lot, and her home. Towe allegedly told police, "I felt young. I missed all those years," according to Redding.com. Towe supposedly thought that by having sex with her daughter friends, they'd be less likely to try to have sex with her 15-year-old daughter.

Ain't she sexy?

I mean, her daughter is 15 and this took place in Shasta County, California, but doesn't she look like a 25 year old from Woburn who has had a hard life filled with meth and heroin? My heart goes out to Miss Deborah Lee and I'm gonna dedicate my new book, "Chicken Tetrazzini for the Mother's Soul," to her and her cause.

That reminds me....I need to get to Walmart soon to restock toilet paper and dryer sheets.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Self-Cleaning Vaginas?

Listen up ladies! An anonomous source told me that when he was watching the world-renowned Oprah Winfrey show, her special guest was none other than "Dr." Oz. The topic of the day? (Deep Voice)VAGINA!!!!

Oprah was asking Dr. Oz if women should use a little Summer's Eve to cleanse the clitoris. His response was no and that vaginias "are like a self cleaning oven."

I beg to differ, Dr. Oz. There are some smelly cunts walking around this world with even smellier va-jay-jays attached to them. Like what the hell? If they are so "self cleaning," what's with the funk?

It was at this point that I decided to do a little research. According to the big "O" website (ya'll know who I'm talking about), I read the full article:

Dr. Oz says the vagina is a "self-cleaning oven," and you shouldn't douche to stay clean. "You have your own bacteria in there. They're for you. You're supposed to have them there. When you wipe them out with a vinegar douche, then you're left with repopulating it with whatever happens to be nearby. It may not be what's best for you," he says.

Douching, Dr. Oz says, may even make you more likely to have some problems, such as ectopic pregnancies and infections that can cause infertility. "It's a big problem. That's why I don't think there's any really good reason to douche. Period," Dr. Oz says.

Keeping the vagina clean externally is important, and Dr. Oz says you should always wipe front to back to prevent urinary tract infections. And if you are worried about something in that area, you should go to a doctor and get treatment—Dr. Oz says that covering up problems with a douche won't solve anything.

So there you have it ladies. Wash your snatches on the regular...but leave the vinegar in the kitchen.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Another reason to hate Woburn

After a mediocre day at work yesterday, I decided to unwind and go out for booze and a movie with my roomie. So we're on the way to Chili's for margaritas and we're driving along I-93 Northbound, having a good time, when all of a sudden the truck in front of me slams on the brakes. So logically, I do the same thing, but my car doesn't stop in time and I hit the damn Jeep in front of me. Their car is virtually unscathed while my baby looks like this:

I know what you're thinking. At least nobody got hurt. Bullshit. I'd rather somebody got hurt than my car be wrecked the way it was. This fucking accident would not have happened if the stupid bitch 3 cars ahead of me didn't slam on her fucking brakes for NO DAMN REASON causing a chain reaction with me being the fourth and final car.

Police arrive on the scene and do NOTHING but say that the scene is two separate accidents (2nd car hitting the first car, 4th car hitting the third) and we should just file claims with our insurance company, which automatically means that I am at fault even though the first cunt caused everything. I ask the Trooper (don't dare call a MA State Policeman an "Officer") if there was going to be a report. He replies to just contact the insurance company and when they ask the location of the accident, we're just crossing into Woburn, MA....


Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Tales from the Steamroom: Mohegan Sun

So my roomate came up with this brilliant idea of going to Mohegan Sun for a day of drinks, gambling, and massages. Mention anything involving booze, and I'm there!

Now, I haven't had many professional massages before, but each time I had one, it was always a male masseuse. I'm just funny that way. But this time, there was a female who was giving me the much needed rubdown. So as the massage begins, I'm trying to relax, clear my head, all that Zen shit people practice to get the most of their time on that table. But for some reason, I couldn't focus on relaxing! I don't know what it was....maybe because I was sick the night before...maybe because I was ready for a drink...I don't know. But I had some of the most random thoughts running through my mind, including:

She's rubbing awfully close to my buttcrack...I wonder if she likes my tattoo...Is that a boob on my forehead?...I'm glad the oil she's using isn't cold....I wonder if I won Becky's weekly giveaway...I don't wanna go back to work...???...I must've relaxed a little there because I don't remember her moving to this arm...hehe, that tickles a little....

And then, times up.

But I must say, that was a pretty damn good massage!