Sunday, August 21, 2011

Donut Hoe

In the great state of New Jersey, home to some class acts such as the cast of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been accused of offering her services as a prostitute to customers.

Police have arrested Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, who worked the overnight shift at Dunks on Rt 46. Detectives had done surveillance and saw that America was clearly running on her pussy because Ms. Redmond would follow customers to their car and spend 10-15 minutes out there, and even saw money exchanging hands a few times. She was arrested after disclosing her services and price menu to an undercover officer and proceeded to follow him to his car.

Who would pay for sex from a bitch at Dunkin' Donuts? Her nappy dugout is probably as dry as those damn donuts they're serving up. No thank you. Now...if they were offering a little Red Light Special at Krispy Kreme....

Friday, August 05, 2011

If You Seek Amy

A New Zealand woman nearly lost her hand after a crazy fuck-fest in Croatia went wrong. Apparently the woman, only known as "Amy" was getting it on with some hot piece of British man dick in the bathroom on a yacht, when the sink broke and her hand was severed on a jagged piece of porcelain as they fell to the ground. It took six hours to put poor little Amy's hand back on, and her man is MIA.

Ain't that a bitch? How you gonna fuck some girl, watch her hand get chopped off, and flee the scene? Actually, he was smart. It's Shark Week. All that blood on that damn boat was bound to draw out Jaws and his hungry buddies to eat anything and everything on the S.S. Fuckalot.

I hope Amy doesn't catch up with him. HE might get something severed...

Monday, August 01, 2011

Real Talk Three!

I can't believe that September is almost here! This year is flying by so fast and the month of September is significant to a lot of different people for different reasons. For some, it means that Fall is approaching. To others, Back-to-School is near. My mother's birthday is in September. But it also means it time for another Social Media sabbatical.

I was debating whether I was going to do this again this year. I mean, it seems that Social Media has taken over every aspect of modern life, from doing business, to staying in touch with friends and family, and the not-so-nice parts of life such as cyber-bullying. This started as a bet two years ago that I couldn't give up Social Media sites for a month....and I did....and it felt great. I had real conversations with people OFFLINE because.....well, I forced them to.

This year, the task of giving up Facebook and Twitter won't be as difficult because I've already been a little too busy to Tweet like I should. I've been busting my hump at work and it's paid off. I got a promotion! So while I'm not tweeting, "liking" anyone's pictures or statuses, or forming a "huddle" or "Circle," I'll be trying to figure out how the hell do I do my new job well enough not to get fired. Haha.

Fair warning to all, if you need me, call me. I'll write to everyone via snail mail because I have waaaay too much stationery in my house, and I think its nice to open your mailbox and see something other than bills there. Don't worry. I'll still text those stubborn folks.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Manic Monday: Epilogue

What a fucking day! This is only part one of a 7-day, crazy ass, busy ass, ball-busting week. As much of a good time I had busting my ass today, I need more. If I expect to have any type of life, I realize that I need to get the fuck out of retail. Not saying that I need to be in stuffy Corporate America working a 9-5, but I feel like I need to hurry up and get out of the "Front Line" and find a home in another sector of my company...or another company.

But until then, I'll leave you all with this:

Manic Monday: Act Two

I'm done!!! MIT was surprisingly enjoyable. I think I represented my company well, along with my B2B counterparts, and made some great connections. Not a pretentious crowd at all. Everyone was excited about how this new technology will take off in the US and will hopefully catch up to Europe and Asia with it's everyday implementation.

Dropping everything back to the store, realizing I haven't had a latte all day, so sprinting to Starbucks as I type this. Curtain Call!

Manic Monday: Intermission

Event number one done. I think my boss feels bad about me having to work seven days this week, so he bought me lunch. I don't care. Just pay me.

So I'm at the store for two hours and I'm trying to get my work laptop remotely configured for this trade show I'm exhibiting Wednesday. I really don't know what's so difficult about an IT guy doing his job in a timely manner, but he is working my last nerve. Headed to MIT for event number two, and this shit better be done when I return or I'm going AWF!!!

Manic Monday: Act One

I had a 9am workout with Spanish Fly (you know me and nicknames). Everything that was pent up in me and all the stresses over the past couple weeks came out today in the form of Dead Lifts and Ab Crunches. I felt great, but I knew this was only the beginning of a hellish week...

And right now, I'm sitting at a table at work event number one of two, listening to people complain about how they're spending too much money with their current provider, and how their coverage is so crappy, but don't want to leave because they have their precious iPhone. Fuck you.

Is it time for lunch yet?

Manic Monday: Prologue

7:00 am. And my alarm is yelling at me. I didn't want to get out of bed. Too many things running in my head. Too many things I had to come to terms with last night. I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed....

But because I know I'm a better person than the one that was laying there, I got up. I got shit to do.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A Bumbaclot Mess

Love can make you do some crazy shit. And apparently, so can good dick. I can't understand half of what's going on here, but I think that Keri is serving up a mean dish of Chicken Tetrazzini.

I know one thing....I'll be thinking twice if someone wants to try the barb-wire twist on me!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Dr. Feel Good?

Usually, when you go to the Doctor, you get some decent medical advice, maybe a prescription for some sweet narcotics, and you're cured.

Don't try to swallow any prescription from this guy:

Patients of a weight-loss doctor in Pensylvannia got more than they bargained for when the doctor "allegedly" made a suggestion on how they could lose weight quickly. The solution: Have sex with him, and each orgasm they had would burn about 200 calories.

200 calories? That's it? Doesn't seem worth it to me. And it definitely didn't seem worth it to the patients because the Police have charged Dr. Arie Oren with Indecent Assult and Aggravated Indecent Assault. On one occasion he told a woman she was getting "an extra-special treat for losing all the weight" before using a massager around her genital area. He also told one woman "if you need a man, I'm a man" before allegedly assaulting her.

Now we have ALL heard that sex is the best exercise, but let's face it: There are some FAT hoes walking around fucking any and everything that'll let it. So I don't buy that shit.

BUT if he comes out of jail with some noticable weight loss, I'll be buying whatever he's selling!

Thursday, February 03, 2011


Well I've certainly have received my fair share of bad news recently. Some of it is beyond my control and some of it is due to me not taking care of my responsibilities like I should have been. Today sucked. And I'm almost positive that the upcoming days are going to continue to suck if I don't figure out what I need to do. I need help.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the super-religious type. I have faith in a higher power, but it's been more than a few years since I've prayed or "had a conversation" with the Big Guy upstairs. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I have no idea where to start. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I need to thank him for. But I also need to ask for strength to work harder to achieve my goals. I pray for the knowledge to determine what to hold on to and what to let go of. I pray for the ability to be more patient and have more balance to REALLY get things in order. But first things first, I need the strength to get out of bed tomorrow.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
- Gone With the Wind

Friday, January 28, 2011

Grumpy Old Man

File this under: FUCKED UP

A creepy old man named Daniel Toy has been arrested in Pennsylvania for having child pornography on his computer.

Police say that the 81 year old told him that the videos weren't meant for anything sexual. "I can't get excited anymore...I'm too old." Ummm....yeah right old man. You wouldn't have that shit if it didn't excite you. He goes on to tell the police that he only had the kiddie porn because he "wanted to see what other people are doing."

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure when this dude was growing up during World War I and he was hanging out with friends his mom was like "If Tommy blows up a building, would you?" So don't make some lame ass excuse. Just come clean..."My name is Daniel and I'm addicted to kiddie porn!" and save us the fuckin trouble. Yeesh!

Friday, January 07, 2011

TGIFuck You

Today was a rough ass day. And I'm working all weekend. So no TGIF for me. I long for the day I get out of least far enough that I'm not in a store on a daily basis. But until then...

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Geek Squad

So I was sitting here helping my little brother via cellphone with his homework, finishing up some work-work, and adding entries to my indelicate, yet scintillating blog, when I decided to post today's pic of me in my nerd glasses. Prada bitch.

V is for Vocabulary

California Gurls

First, there was Vajazzling, and now this.

If you were ever wondering why California Gurls were so fucking unforgettable, it could be because there is a spa in Southern Cali that has started offering a 600 year old Korean treatment known as "chai-yok." In essence, it's a steam bath for the vagina. The treatment itself uses many herbs, including mugwort, which is believed to be an antiseptic that could also help rid your body of toxins. about pampering your pussy.

I for one, am jealous as hell. Vaginas are always getting some special treatment like they fucking give life or something. Oh wait...

Regardless, I would like to be able to sit on a pot and have soothing herbal steams and whatnot blow up my ass. I need to look into this. I'm sure Aveda has something I can use.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Beauty Tips

I was washing my mug and realized I forgot about today's pic. Aveda is the shit. It ain't easy being this fucking pretty.

Sunday, January 02, 2011

What's Your Cup Size?

Ok, growing up around women for most of my life, I unfortunately have seen my fair share of bras and and how cup sizes are measured and whatnot. However, nothing could prepare me for this.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Ballbra. It is proclaimed by it's manufacturers to not only be comfortable and sexy, but also is said to increase stimulation during sex or masturbation. Fun, huh?

Sizes run in typical underwear-like sizes, or you can be a true "baller" boy and order a custom ballbra by measuring the height and width of your ummm....boys.

I don't know about you, but this sounds like heaven to me. But then again, I've always had a thing for underwear so this is right up my alley. What's say you guys? More importantly, what's your cup size?

Baby I'm a Star

I love this star hanging on my wall. I don't know why. I Also don't know why I can't get the song "Baby I'm a Star" by Prince out of my head today. Whenever I hear it playing I always do the craziest dances to it. But I guess in combination of the song, the star on my purple wall, Prince being nicknamed "his Royal Purpleness," and the fact that my mother's name is synonymous with one of my favorite colors....I thought that this would be a fitting picture for today.
V is for Violet

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Portrait of a Vain Bitch

Have you ever wanted to take a look at yourself and see how life has affected you over time? At the end of every year there's always someone who says how quickly the year has gone by. "Where did the year go?" Well, to answer that question for me, I'll take a picure of myself every day and post them here for my millions of readers to view in all their glory. LOL.

Yes...I'm a vain bitch. I'll be the first to admit it. If I don't love me, who will? But that's only part of the reasoning behind this project. In addition to wanting more pictures of myself to exist, I want to be able to see the feelings behind the picture. A way of reflecting on the year, so to speak. And it also guarantees that I'll be updating this damn blog at least once a day. So there.'s pic number one.
V is for Vanity.

Happy New Year!