California Gurls

First, there was Vajazzling, and now this.

If you were ever wondering why California Gurls were so fucking unforgettable, it could be because there is a spa in Southern Cali that has started offering a 600 year old Korean treatment known as "chai-yok." In essence, it's a steam bath for the vagina. The treatment itself uses many herbs, including mugwort, which is believed to be an antiseptic that could also help rid your body of toxins. Hmmm....talk about pampering your pussy.

I for one, am jealous as hell. Vaginas are always getting some special treatment like they fucking give life or something. Oh wait...

Regardless, I would like to be able to sit on a pot and have soothing herbal steams and whatnot blow up my ass. I need to look into this. I'm sure Aveda has something I can use.

Beauty Tips

I was washing my mug and realized I forgot about today's pic. Aveda is the shit. It ain't easy being this fucking pretty.

Stamp the Passport

For some reason, I get the best material to write about by talking to my fellow coworkers, and this is no exception. Before Babyface (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) quit and moved back to Virginia, he and I were discussing my all time favorite topic - banging chicks (barf) - and he filled me in on a little topic known as "Stamping the Passport."

Basically, when you engage in sexual relations with someone in another country or from another country, you basically get a stamp on your sexport. Talk about Around the World in 80 Fucks.

I'm sure that this operation also works in the ghey community, but really tho WHO keeps track of this shit?

What countries do you have a stamp for? Sound off, whores!

Tales from the Steamroom: Mohegan Sun

So my roomate came up with this brilliant idea of going to Mohegan Sun for a day of drinks, gambling, and massages. Mention anything involving booze, and I'm there!

Now, I haven't had many professional massages before, but each time I had one, it was always a male masseuse. I'm just funny that way. But this time, there was a female who was giving me the much needed rubdown. So as the massage begins, I'm trying to relax, clear my head, all that Zen shit people practice to get the most of their time on that table. But for some reason, I couldn't focus on relaxing! I don't know what it was....maybe because I was sick the night before...maybe because I was ready for a drink...I don't know. But I had some of the most random thoughts running through my mind, including:

She's rubbing awfully close to my buttcrack...I wonder if she likes my tattoo...Is that a boob on my forehead?...I'm glad the oil she's using isn't cold....I wonder if I won Becky's weekly giveaway...I don't wanna go back to work...???...I must've relaxed a little there because I don't remember her moving to this arm...hehe, that tickles a little....

And then, times up.

But I must say, that was a pretty damn good massage!

The Gym...Not Just for Working Out Anymore!!!

In an attempt to achieve physical sexiness (I’ve got a long way to go), I’ve purchased a cheapo membership to a local gym (Planet Fitness for you stalkers out there). Since joining, I’ve had the amusement of answering several questions about my particular motivations for deciding to work out at a gym. I suppose that I should take my homosexual stereotypes of sleazy rendezvous in the steam room in stride the same way I do with my obsession with fried chicken because of my skin color (put some hot sauce on that shit….DAMN!). However, it’s funny how MANY people I’ve talked to about this who have the same questions: Am I going to the gym to work out…or hook up?

Now, for most of my gay life, I’ve heard the stories of the taboo “Gym hookup.” But it was my understanding that the hookup was secondary to the primary purpose, which was actually working out. But in recent days, it seems as though working out has been placed on the back-burner and the ever-evolving hookup is now the primary focus of those frequenting the gym…..or at least that is what my co-workers, friends, and close relatives (ew) are leading me to believe.

Me personally, I would never try it for a couple of reasons. One, I’m trying to achieve physical sexiness and I’ve got about 15 pounds of gut to lose before I can start pole dancing for facelift money. Two, I’d be too chicken shit scared of getting caught. Three, have you ever attempted anal sex in the shower? It hurts. But to each his own. If that’s how you wanna spend precious free time, go ahead.

My question is, how often have you heard about it? Is it just a gay thing? Is the gym really not just for working out anymore? I would love to hear from some hetero-folk to see how many stories are out there.

I’m off to the gym!