No Cockblockers Allowed

Cockblock (verb): The art of interfering, by way of one’s mere presence, with the attempt of one person to freak another.

Cockblocker (noun): A person who interferes with another’s chance of getting laid.

I seem to be surrounded by an army of cockblockers lately, and I don’t really understand why. I’m already having “self-confidence” issues as of late due to various reasons in which I frankly need to get over, but I’m getting tired of the constant level of thirst surrounding me these days.

My most recent cockblock happened at work. I’m helping a gentleman upgrade his phone. He was fairly attractive, but had a body to DIE FOR. I’m going through my normal routine, helping him pick out a new phone, checking out his ass….I mean account to make sure he was on the right plan to suit his needs….

When out of NOWHERE, my friggin co-worker decides to get all up in my mix, annoying the shit out me, talking about porn subscriptions, girlfriends, vaginas….I don’t really know. It was all a blur and it was pissing me the fuck off. I wanted to kill him. Needless to say, the customer was trying to get the hell out as quickly as possible.

Was the guy gay? Was he straight? I don’t know. I don’t even care. He wasn’t your typical over entitled asshole of a customer, so for that I was in love.  What's that saying, "You catch more flies with honey....?"

This is just the most recent example, but seriously whether I’m at karaoke, at work, or just out with friends in general, my rooster gets blocked at any opportunity. But the next time somebody’s thirsty ass tries to take my tall drink of water, I’m putting some Shug Avery pee in it.

If You Seek Amy

A New Zealand woman nearly lost her hand after a crazy fuck-fest in Croatia went wrong. Apparently the woman, only known as "Amy" was getting it on with some hot piece of British man dick in the bathroom on a yacht, when the sink broke and her hand was severed on a jagged piece of porcelain as they fell to the ground. It took six hours to put poor little Amy's hand back on, and her man is MIA.

Ain't that a bitch? How you gonna fuck some girl, watch her hand get chopped off, and flee the scene? Actually, he was smart. It's Shark Week. All that blood on that damn boat was bound to draw out Jaws and his hungry buddies to eat anything and everything on the S.S. Fuckalot.

I hope Amy doesn't catch up with him. HE might get something severed...

Are you a Sexsomniac?

Have you ever woken up with jizz on your chest? (No, I’m not talking to you Ke-dollarsign-ha) What about waking up to strange clues that you may have engaged in sexual activity the night before, but perhaps don’t remember doing anything before you went to sleep? Well, it may not have been the roofies that were slipped into your drink, but perhaps a more and more common disorder known as sexsomnia.

Sexsomnia, or sleep sex, is a form of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) parasomnia(similar to sleepwalking) that causes people to engage in sexual acts such as masturbation, fondling, sexual intercourse and sexual assault or rape while they are asleep. A recent study of people who were having trouble sleeping found that 1 in 12 of these patients were engaging in sleep sex, and people who have a history of other sleep activities such as sleepwalking or talking in their sleep are more prone to sleep sex episodes.

Pretty harmless, right? Think again.

There have been reports of men injuring themselves during sadistic masturbation acts or humping metal or brick walls. Although more common in men, sexsomnia is a disorder that affects males and females. Isolated reports exist about women who have had sex with strangers during the sleep period. The only way this entity was discovered was the detection of used condoms and semen stains on the bed the morning after the sexual incident. Sexsomnia has even been used as a defense in rape trials.

So besides the deviant, sexual behavior involved, is Sexsomnia dangerous? Could be. Sleep disorders can lead to other conditions such as cardiovascular problems, abnormal immune responses and general metabolic weakness. It is best to seek help from a sleep center or your primary doctor if you feel like this may be happening to you.

So the next time you wake up to a mind-blowing orgasm….remember it may not be just another wet dream.

Porn for the Soul

So a while back, when the TV show Glee first premiered, I was watching it with Deuce and he just saw this big GOOFY grin on my face. And he goes, "This is like PORN for you, isn't it?"

Flash forward....



Yes, people. They're making a Glee porno flick. And the above footage is by far some of the best renditions of the Star Spangled Banner since Whitney at the Super Bowl.

Nothing says Show Choir like a big orgy. Sometimes it takes a big dick to make you hit those high notes. These women need it. Except for homegirl singing the Mexican national anthem. She was pretty good.

Keri Hilson, eat your heart out!

Male Prostitute Quits

Well it looks like America's first legal male prostitute has quit his day job. Markus Destin has decided to resign from his post at the Shady Lady Ranch in rural Nevada due to a lack of customers....less than 10 customers...

The owners of the ranch, Jim and Bobbi Davis, have already hired a replacement, but hinted that Destin may return at some point. While their main focus (and moneymaker) is women who have sex with men, they have stated that they will pursue the idea of male prostitutes a little while longer.

Hmmmm....

In my opinion, there are a few reasons this business arrangement didnt' work out between Markus and the Shady Lady.

One, he expressed that he only wanted to have women clientelle and not have sex with men. I don't know of many women who would pay for sex. There are enough horny men out there for them to flash their pussies to and fuck for free. Unfortunately for Mr. Destin, he probably would have made more money if he was "gay for pay."

Two, this guy isn't what I would call "income worthy," meaning if I were to pay someone for sex, it wouldn't be him. Take a look at this:



His face looks retarded and his dick looks....unhealthy. Don't nobody want that wrinkly shit. I like a nice pretty penis...especially if I'm paying for it. Beggers can't be choosy, but you best believe I'd be getting my hard-earned money's worth.

Gimmie this guy:



DAMN!!!

VMA Updates...by the minute

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards are on tonight....which is ironic because MTV doesn't air music videos anymore. But regardless, I'm here to give all of my non-readers an up to the minute update of the hot messes on the red carpet and throughout the awards show. I would be tweeting....but I'm still fasting from that.

11:30 This is it....goodnight everybody!!!

11:28 Somebody needs to kick Lil Mama off the damn stage. Literally. Kick her.

11:25 You better work those sequined pants bitch!

11:22 I'm living for Alicia Keys on that damn piano. MTV's cinematography is awfully dramatic right now for this intro.

11:14 Beyaki wins "Video of the Year!" Very classy of her to let Taylor come out and give her acceptance speech. Lady Gaga is stealing my heart right now with all her different-ness.

11:02 I'm so scurred watching Pink's performance right now. Don't fall bitch!

10:59 Lady Gaga's acceptance speech was awesome!

10:58 Where is Sherri Shepard to keep Tracy Morgan in check?

10:51 Kid Cudi is performing on the reject stage. How dreadful!

10:49 Looks like Eminem is signing a contract to the the next MAC spokesmodel.

10:40 If Tracy Morgan really wants to win "Best New Artist," then he needs to record "Don't be Tardy for the Party!!!"

10:37 Damn....MTV couldn't give them the main stage to perform on. I don't know who this band is, but they're pretty good.

10:34 T.I. wins "Best Male Video." Don't drop the soap boo...

10:25 Beyonce just shut it down!!! Where my ring at?

10:20 Beyonce is bringing the drama with her on stage.

10:19 I think I wanna see the new Twilight movie....I guess I need to see the first one.

Kristen Stewart looks horrible with dark hair.

10:16 Pitbull must be drunk because he forgot the words to his chorus.

10:06 Green Day is performing....not my cup of red Kool-Aid, but they have the audience on their feet, which is better than last years yawn-fest that MTV put on.

10:05 Not feeling Megan Fox's outfit.

10:04 Congrats Brit...MTV still owes you BIG!

10:00 Lady Gaga is a FUCKING weirdo! LMFAO!!!!!

9:53 The bitch is dead, but her glowsticks live on!

9:51 She's got some serious Cameltoe goin on. But I like it!

9:49 Lady Gaga is giving me Phantom of the Opera Cunt Dramatics!

9:42 Taylor swift's "Subway" performance was totally fake and Green-Screened until she stepped outside. Were they just getting ready to roll tape again? Oops!

9:36 I could care less about the "Best Rock Video" award....I just hope there won't be another outbust from Kanye over who wins this one.

9:34 Ugh....I can't STAND Jack Black. What an unfunny bastard.

9:25 Kanye West is an ASSHOLE....but he was right.

9:24 Taylor Swift beats Beyonce? I'm changing the channel...

9:23 Cheesy dialogue...just hand out the damn trophy already!

9:14 I would hate to be Katy Perry right now, having to perform after that tribute. But her outfit is cute tho. Somebody tell me why Russell Brand is hosting again...

9:13 Janet just KILLED it!!!

9:07 Long live the KING!!!

9:05 I am LOVING this bitch's speech right now...

9:00 Awww....look at Madge. She looks pretty for a old tranny. Did she just throw shade at Joe Jackson?

Showtime!!!!

8:58 Award is presented for Best Video that Sucked the first time it was nominated....to the Beastie Boys for Sabotage.

8:56 Who are you?

8:55 Queen Creole has arrived. Excuse me...you're in my way!

8:51 J.Lo looks amazing! Love the dress! You better plug that album girl...

8:48 Bitch you are late. I knew they had on the same dress as soon as Pink stepped on the scene.

8:46 This girl is cute....but in the words of Mariah Carey, "I don't know who that is."

8:40 MTV shows it's first music video since 2008.

8:39 The cast of Fame hit the red carpet. I can't wait for the movie, but they look a hot mess.

8:38 Cobra Starship? arrives on the red carpet via Grey Line tour bus. Classy.

I wish Whitney would show up. But that's asking a little too much from her right now. Oh well. I have Oprah tomorrow...

8:31 Alicia Keys looks beautiful. It's refreshing to see a well spoken black person on TV besides the President. Her speaking voice relaxes me. She should record a book on tape.

8:29 Dirty Water...I mean Dirty Money just hit the red carpet. I think I officially hate Diddy. I wonder if Dawn is getting a check yet.

8:28 Only on Verizon can you record such a shitty video. Can you hear me now?

8:26 Does Taylor Swift think she's Cinderella or something?

8:22 Those kids were cute with their routine. That disaster interviewing them, however, was not.

8:19 Who is this old guy?

8:17 Some little boy hits the red carpet. I don't know who he is. But he's wearing a Calvin Klein suit, fresh off the rack at Marshalls.

8:14 Lady Gaga hits the red carpet with Kermit the Frog as her date. You didn't hear? They're fucking now. Ms. Piggy must've put her in that neck brace, feathers and all.

8:11 Pink shows up...wearing the same dress as Shakira. Oops!