Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Best News All Day

I must have been caught up in all the 9/11 anniversary blah blah blah because this lovely little dollop of a story flew right past me...

Apparantly, two men in Fort Smith, Arkansas have been arrested for playing porno DVDs on the display TVs at.....Walmart.

This is a damn shame. First there was the MILF in California who fucked her daughter's friends in the parking lot, and now this. What is Walmart coming to these days?

Remember way back when all they had to worry about was covering up their sweatshop operations. Now they can't even control their own rednecks in the US of A. How dreadful!

The Hell

So I was forced by Deuce to sit through the season premier of The Hills. Now I have avoided this show for five seasons, and its predacessor, Laguna Biotch, for a reason. That reason being I didn't want my eyes or eardrums to bleed. So it should come as no surprise that my opinion of the show is that it sucks balls. Big ones.

However, in every dark cloud, there is a silver lining: Kristin Cavallari.

She's a total bitch, and frankly I loved every second on her on-screen time. Everyone else, I wanted to shoot in the face. I mean....seriously....Heidi and Spencer are beyond annoying. Audrina and Stephanie are dumb cunts, and Brody is a douche. But Kristin is watchable. I think that MTV made a wise choice with bringing her into the mix, and I'm sure they're reaping the benefits in the form of skyrocketing ratings.

If I can manage to keep my dinner down next week, I MAY tune in again. However, Heidi's voice is enough to make me sell my dog for drug money so I'd be too high to pay attention anymore. Thank God Spencer doesn't want any kids.

It's on Bitch!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

VMA Updates...by the minute

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards are on tonight....which is ironic because MTV doesn't air music videos anymore. But regardless, I'm here to give all of my non-readers an up to the minute update of the hot messes on the red carpet and throughout the awards show. I would be tweeting....but I'm still fasting from that.

11:30 This is it....goodnight everybody!!!

11:28 Somebody needs to kick Lil Mama off the damn stage. Literally. Kick her.

11:25 You better work those sequined pants bitch!

11:22 I'm living for Alicia Keys on that damn piano. MTV's cinematography is awfully dramatic right now for this intro.

11:14 Beyaki wins "Video of the Year!" Very classy of her to let Taylor come out and give her acceptance speech. Lady Gaga is stealing my heart right now with all her different-ness.

11:02 I'm so scurred watching Pink's performance right now. Don't fall bitch!

10:59 Lady Gaga's acceptance speech was awesome!

10:58 Where is Sherri Shepard to keep Tracy Morgan in check?

10:51 Kid Cudi is performing on the reject stage. How dreadful!

10:49 Looks like Eminem is signing a contract to the the next MAC spokesmodel.

10:40 If Tracy Morgan really wants to win "Best New Artist," then he needs to record "Don't be Tardy for the Party!!!"

10:37 Damn....MTV couldn't give them the main stage to perform on. I don't know who this band is, but they're pretty good.

10:34 T.I. wins "Best Male Video." Don't drop the soap boo...

10:25 Beyonce just shut it down!!! Where my ring at?

10:20 Beyonce is bringing the drama with her on stage.

10:19 I think I wanna see the new Twilight movie....I guess I need to see the first one.

Kristen Stewart looks horrible with dark hair.

10:16 Pitbull must be drunk because he forgot the words to his chorus.

10:06 Green Day is performing....not my cup of red Kool-Aid, but they have the audience on their feet, which is better than last years yawn-fest that MTV put on.

10:05 Not feeling Megan Fox's outfit.

10:04 Congrats Brit...MTV still owes you BIG!

10:00 Lady Gaga is a FUCKING weirdo! LMFAO!!!!!

9:53 The bitch is dead, but her glowsticks live on!

9:51 She's got some serious Cameltoe goin on. But I like it!

9:49 Lady Gaga is giving me Phantom of the Opera Cunt Dramatics!

9:42 Taylor swift's "Subway" performance was totally fake and Green-Screened until she stepped outside. Were they just getting ready to roll tape again? Oops!

9:36 I could care less about the "Best Rock Video" award....I just hope there won't be another outbust from Kanye over who wins this one.

9:34 Ugh....I can't STAND Jack Black. What an unfunny bastard.

9:25 Kanye West is an ASSHOLE....but he was right.

9:24 Taylor Swift beats Beyonce? I'm changing the channel...

9:23 Cheesy dialogue...just hand out the damn trophy already!

9:14 I would hate to be Katy Perry right now, having to perform after that tribute. But her outfit is cute tho. Somebody tell me why Russell Brand is hosting again...

9:13 Janet just KILLED it!!!

9:07 Long live the KING!!!

9:05 I am LOVING this bitch's speech right now...

9:00 Awww....look at Madge. She looks pretty for a old tranny. Did she just throw shade at Joe Jackson?


8:58 Award is presented for Best Video that Sucked the first time it was nominated....to the Beastie Boys for Sabotage.

8:56 Who are you?

8:55 Queen Creole has arrived. Excuse me...you're in my way!

8:51 J.Lo looks amazing! Love the dress! You better plug that album girl...

8:48 Bitch you are late. I knew they had on the same dress as soon as Pink stepped on the scene.

8:46 This girl is cute....but in the words of Mariah Carey, "I don't know who that is."

8:40 MTV shows it's first music video since 2008.

8:39 The cast of Fame hit the red carpet. I can't wait for the movie, but they look a hot mess.

8:38 Cobra Starship? arrives on the red carpet via Grey Line tour bus. Classy.

I wish Whitney would show up. But that's asking a little too much from her right now. Oh well. I have Oprah tomorrow...

8:31 Alicia Keys looks beautiful. It's refreshing to see a well spoken black person on TV besides the President. Her speaking voice relaxes me. She should record a book on tape.

8:29 Dirty Water...I mean Dirty Money just hit the red carpet. I think I officially hate Diddy. I wonder if Dawn is getting a check yet.

8:28 Only on Verizon can you record such a shitty video. Can you hear me now?

8:26 Does Taylor Swift think she's Cinderella or something?

8:22 Those kids were cute with their routine. That disaster interviewing them, however, was not.

8:19 Who is this old guy?

8:17 Some little boy hits the red carpet. I don't know who he is. But he's wearing a Calvin Klein suit, fresh off the rack at Marshalls.

8:14 Lady Gaga hits the red carpet with Kermit the Frog as her date. You didn't hear? They're fucking now. Ms. Piggy must've put her in that neck brace, feathers and all.

8:11 Pink shows up...wearing the same dress as Shakira. Oops!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Let's Go Streaking in Antarctica!

So Deuce and I went to go see the new Kate Beckinsale movie, "Whiteout" today. Overall, it was a pretty good movie, but one of the first things that stood out for me in the movie had little to do with the plot whatsoever.

In the first few minutes of the film, it shows the outside of the base where most of the movie takes place and as Kate's character is walking into the building, there is a group of guys running out of the building nude. They were streaking. In Antarctica.

Kinda puts a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Cold as balls" huh?

Regardless, once a saw the frozen dicks go by, I immediately thought, "I wanna do that!!!" So now, there is one more impossible goal on my list of things to accomplish before I'm dead. I will go streaking in Antarctica...

Who's with me?

Friday, September 04, 2009

Shoutout to the Virgos

Happy Belated Birthday Mom!!!!!

You must be happy to live long enough to see your kids grown up, especially to see your first born son become the man you always wanted him to be....

Then again, just be grateful that I'm not on drugs, can take care of myself, and don't have any crazy baby mama's banging on your door. Love you mommie!

Lizard Sets Penis Free

I really need to be Tweeting about this right now...

Courtesy of newslite.tv:

A man who appeared in court accused of flashing his penis at a female train guard has walked free, thanks to a tattoo on his manhood.

Hartlepool magistrates court had been told how 28-year-old Barry Kenny had drunkenly displayed his willy during a train journey from Newcastle to Hartlepool.

But the woman had not mentioned any "distinguising marks" on the penis and Barry has a two inch long lizard tattoo running along his penis.

As a result his solicitor was able to get the charges dropped, but only after Barry offered to show his willy to magistrates.

Before being reminded he was under oath Barry had wanted to claim the tattoo was seven inches long.

That lizard could have been seven inches long....if he were in a dark alley outside of a gay club. Things do look bigger than they actually are when you're drunk/high/horny/unconscious. I'm just saying....