My, that's a mighty muscular vagina you have!

And you thought those exercises that Karen Walker taught you wouldn't pay off....



A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42, has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world’s strongest vagina.

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

Well she doesn't have to worry about that now. Her balls (hehe) are now custom made!

“You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook.”

As you know, Russian women are into some freaky shit. So she recommends a puss-of-steel workout on the regular as well as daily vodka douching. “It’s enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you’ll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed,” she says.

Check out these Kodak moments!

RIP: E. Lynn Harris

I'm very saddened to report that one of my favorite authors, E. Lynn Harris, passed away on Thursday night while on a business trip to LA. He was truly an inspiration to the Black Gay community and I've read almost every book he's written.



I remember back in 1999, I was fresh out the closet and I read "Invisible Life" for the first time. And I cried like a little baby because it was the first time that I related to something that was being written. I was hooked and was playing catch up and reading the other books he had written as part of the series.

You will be missed, Mr. Harris, but your writing will live on forever.

Momma, Iz a Virgin!

Ladies, has all the whoring around when you were 13 or 14 starting to catch up with you? Did you tell your man that you were saving yourself for marriage, knowing your snatch is as loose as Kirstie Alley's skinny jeans on Nicole Richie? Or have you finally realized that the best way out of a recession is to auction off your non-existent virginity to the highest bidder on Ebay? Well, I have got THE product for you:



It's an Artificial Virginity Hymen! (Applause)

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

I can almost imagine all the pregnant virgins roaming the streets of Woburn now...

Top or Bottom?

A friend and I were having a discussion last week about gay men being able to be friends with each other without knowing every single detail about their sexuality. I hadn’t given it much thought before, but I can think of several occasions over the years (mainly in Detroit, gotta love my people) where I’ve been asked the same question by my fellow homo-zestual brethren: “Top or bottom?”

WTF?

Why do you need to know that? We ain’t fuckin, and ain’t gon EVER fuck. So why do you need to know such information within the first 10 minutes of meeting me? Even if there was an inkling of attraction between us two and were considering dating each other, that question is best saved for….not right after “Hi, my name is….”
Now I admit, I do share some things with my closest friends. I mean, I gotta have someone to tell my secrets to. So because I feel so close to my 2.5 readers out there, I’ll share this little secret with you….

Regarding the question at hand, I am…..Sasha Fierce! :0)

Goodnight Everybody!

100% Classy

This woman is taking MILF to a whole new level.



Police say Deborah Lee Towe had sex with her daughter's friends (as young as 15), in a Walmart parking lot, an elementary school parking lot, and her home. Towe allegedly told police, "I felt young. I missed all those years," according to Redding.com. Towe supposedly thought that by having sex with her daughter friends, they'd be less likely to try to have sex with her 15-year-old daughter.

Ain't she sexy?

I mean, her daughter is 15 and this took place in Shasta County, California, but doesn't she look like a 25 year old from Woburn who has had a hard life filled with meth and heroin? My heart goes out to Miss Deborah Lee and I'm gonna dedicate my new book, "Chicken Tetrazzini for the Mother's Soul," to her and her cause.

That reminds me....I need to get to Walmart soon to restock toilet paper and dryer sheets.

Self-Cleaning Vaginas?

Listen up ladies! An anonomous source told me that when he was watching the world-renowned Oprah Winfrey show, her special guest was none other than "Dr." Oz. The topic of the day? (Deep Voice)VAGINA!!!!

Oprah was asking Dr. Oz if women should use a little Summer's Eve to cleanse the clitoris. His response was no and that vaginias "are like a self cleaning oven."

I beg to differ, Dr. Oz. There are some smelly cunts walking around this world with even smellier va-jay-jays attached to them. Like what the hell? If they are so "self cleaning," what's with the funk?

It was at this point that I decided to do a little research. According to the big "O" website (ya'll know who I'm talking about), I read the full article:

Dr. Oz says the vagina is a "self-cleaning oven," and you shouldn't douche to stay clean. "You have your own bacteria in there. They're for you. You're supposed to have them there. When you wipe them out with a vinegar douche, then you're left with repopulating it with whatever happens to be nearby. It may not be what's best for you," he says.

Douching, Dr. Oz says, may even make you more likely to have some problems, such as ectopic pregnancies and infections that can cause infertility. "It's a big problem. That's why I don't think there's any really good reason to douche. Period," Dr. Oz says.

Keeping the vagina clean externally is important, and Dr. Oz says you should always wipe front to back to prevent urinary tract infections. And if you are worried about something in that area, you should go to a doctor and get treatment—Dr. Oz says that covering up problems with a douche won't solve anything.

So there you have it ladies. Wash your snatches on the regular...but leave the vinegar in the kitchen.

Another reason to hate Woburn

After a mediocre day at work yesterday, I decided to unwind and go out for booze and a movie with my roomie. So we're on the way to Chili's for margaritas and we're driving along I-93 Northbound, having a good time, when all of a sudden the truck in front of me slams on the brakes. So logically, I do the same thing, but my car doesn't stop in time and I hit the damn Jeep in front of me. Their car is virtually unscathed while my baby looks like this:





I know what you're thinking. At least nobody got hurt. Bullshit. I'd rather somebody got hurt than my car be wrecked the way it was. This fucking accident would not have happened if the stupid bitch 3 cars ahead of me didn't slam on her fucking brakes for NO DAMN REASON causing a chain reaction with me being the fourth and final car.

Police arrive on the scene and do NOTHING but say that the scene is two separate accidents (2nd car hitting the first car, 4th car hitting the third) and we should just file claims with our insurance company, which automatically means that I am at fault even though the first cunt caused everything. I ask the Trooper (don't dare call a MA State Policeman an "Officer") if there was going to be a report. He replies to just contact the insurance company and when they ask the location of the accident, we're just crossing into Woburn, MA....

BITCH!!!!

Tales from the Steamroom: Mohegan Sun

So my roomate came up with this brilliant idea of going to Mohegan Sun for a day of drinks, gambling, and massages. Mention anything involving booze, and I'm there!

Now, I haven't had many professional massages before, but each time I had one, it was always a male masseuse. I'm just funny that way. But this time, there was a female who was giving me the much needed rubdown. So as the massage begins, I'm trying to relax, clear my head, all that Zen shit people practice to get the most of their time on that table. But for some reason, I couldn't focus on relaxing! I don't know what it was....maybe because I was sick the night before...maybe because I was ready for a drink...I don't know. But I had some of the most random thoughts running through my mind, including:

She's rubbing awfully close to my buttcrack...I wonder if she likes my tattoo...Is that a boob on my forehead?...I'm glad the oil she's using isn't cold....I wonder if I won Becky's weekly giveaway...I don't wanna go back to work...???...I must've relaxed a little there because I don't remember her moving to this arm...hehe, that tickles a little....

And then, times up.

But I must say, that was a pretty damn good massage!

Obsessed

If you haven't had the pleasure of checking out the Child of Destiny's new movie, Obsessed, you need to. I was pleasantly surprised at how good of a movie it was, despite that awful wig Beyonce had to wear.



My only issue was with Ms. Ali Larter's methods. She done flashed her little bra and panties set and went completly coo-coo for Idris Elba's cocoa puffs. Ali, you are not from Woburn, MA and you could've saved all the psycho shit for Heroes. Everybody knows all you need to steal someone's husband is some Chicken Tetrazzini.....and maybe a pitcher of Kool-Aid.

A Golden Farewell

I was at work when I got the call. My favorite Golden Girl, Bea Arthur, had passed away on Saturday at the age of 86.

She apparantly had cancer and died peacefully in her Los Angeles home.

I love this woman. She was never short of a witty line and no matter what people say....SHE made that show the success it was.



We love you Bea. Give Estelle Getty a hug for me.

Sluts 101: How to Steal a Man

Now normally, if a skank bitch wanted to steal her friend's man, she would do some off the wall type of hoe shit, like blowing him in the kitchen while the girlfriend is peeing in the bathroom or showing up at his apartment for a late night booty call among other things. But apparently the quickest way to a man's heart (and his dick) is through his stomach.

Exhibit A:



Now....I have been known to do some strange things for food, especially if it's free food. However, I didn't think Black people even ate Chicken Tetrazzini. Did you look at these women? And the skanky chef was trying to steal THAT?!?!?! But if you ain't black Barbie, I guess you can't expect Death Row Ken to be your knight in shining teeth. Hey, God can't give you everything, so if you don't have the looks, class, or sexual prowess.....you better make some BOMB ASS CHICKEN TETRAZZINI!!!!

When Animals Attack...

This is exactly why I don't mess with wild animals...

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.
“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

There are some sick, sick people in the world. I usually like the crazy type, but this is too much for me. His dick must have been a solid 2 inches for him not to be able to score human pooty-tang. Serves him right...No means no!

The Gym...Not Just for Working Out Anymore!!!

In an attempt to achieve physical sexiness (I’ve got a long way to go), I’ve purchased a cheapo membership to a local gym (Planet Fitness for you stalkers out there). Since joining, I’ve had the amusement of answering several questions about my particular motivations for deciding to work out at a gym. I suppose that I should take my homosexual stereotypes of sleazy rendezvous in the steam room in stride the same way I do with my obsession with fried chicken because of my skin color (put some hot sauce on that shit….DAMN!). However, it’s funny how MANY people I’ve talked to about this who have the same questions: Am I going to the gym to work out…or hook up?

Now, for most of my gay life, I’ve heard the stories of the taboo “Gym hookup.” But it was my understanding that the hookup was secondary to the primary purpose, which was actually working out. But in recent days, it seems as though working out has been placed on the back-burner and the ever-evolving hookup is now the primary focus of those frequenting the gym…..or at least that is what my co-workers, friends, and close relatives (ew) are leading me to believe.

Me personally, I would never try it for a couple of reasons. One, I’m trying to achieve physical sexiness and I’ve got about 15 pounds of gut to lose before I can start pole dancing for facelift money. Two, I’d be too chicken shit scared of getting caught. Three, have you ever attempted anal sex in the shower? It hurts. But to each his own. If that’s how you wanna spend precious free time, go ahead.

My question is, how often have you heard about it? Is it just a gay thing? Is the gym really not just for working out anymore? I would love to hear from some hetero-folk to see how many stories are out there.

I’m off to the gym!

Weirdness

So because I had nothing else better to do, I decided to Google crazy sex laws in Massachusetts.

Now I thought I was gonna find some off the wall crazy shit....but I didn't. However, I did find a few things that made made me go.."What the fuck?"

For instance, oral sex is ILLEGAL in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? 90% of gay sex is oral! Is this some sick way of locking up all the homos?

Also, it is illegal for a man's erection to show through his clothing. By this standard, a lot of adolescent boys (and some ready freaky weirdo grown-ups) should be put away for a few years.

But the craziest of them all had to have been this one: At a rodeo, it is illegal to have sex with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses.

What the fuck?

I'm in love with a stripper...

...well, not really. Not even close.

But I did find myself once again fascinated with a person of the opposite sex. (Gasp!)

Now I had absolutely nothing to do today but laundry, homework, dusting, doing the dishes and other stuffl....none of which I actually did because I was too busy on YouTube downloading old clips of Sable from the WWF (now known as WWE...I liked it much better when the F was there). I don't know why I'm drawn to this woman but I could not stop watching these clips....for hours!



Don't worry, I'm not ready to jump the broom and marry the broad. The most important part of my body didn't even wake up while she was on TV (Thank God). But there is something there that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's how she was the underdog who was merely trying to defend herself. Maybe it was because people were jealous of her incredible beauty (Trust me, I can relate! Haha). Or maybe because when all was said and done, she could kick your ass and not break a nail....or stiletto heal.

Whatever the reasons, I just want to say to Sable, if she's reading this (yeah right), I miss you, and your fake boobs, and power bombs.

My Car Has AIDS

Ugh, I hate people.

Anyone who knows me knows that my number one pet peeve is bitches who talk during the movies. Well tonight these 4 hoes were tap dancing on my last nerve during "The Unborn." I'm sitting there, trying to enjoy the somewhat cheezy movie and these 4 ghetto Woburn bitches would not shut up. After about an hour of their whispering and giggling and shit I finally asked them in the nicest way possible, "Would you shut the fuck up?" And instead of getting an apology, one of them turns around and says "What?" So my friend (not as nice as me) says "Shut the fuck up."

Still no apology.

Instead they continue whispering and giggling and making snide remarks about us. So instead of calling them the cum-guzzling whores that they were once the movie ended, we just get up and leave. Well we haven't made it to my car when I hear behind us, "Faggots!" Which turns into a big ugly scene in the movie theatre where the whores' best witty line is "faggot" (like they discovered the fountain of youth or something. Not that I'm some flaming queen or anything, but a blind man can tell I take it up the rear) and us calling them everything but children of God (trust me, God had nothing to do with that catastrophe).

So anyway, as I'm backing my car up, trying not to hit this bitch whose head is a big as Kim Kardashian's ass, she's whipping out her cheap ass camera phone to take a picture of my license plate. Then, my friend tells me that one of them spit on my car. And all I could think is "Great, my car has AIDS now."

Spygate

Ever get the feeling you’re being watched? The tell-tale signs have been showing up around me for a bit, from my BlackBerry telling me how many times an incorrect password has been entered before the correct one was entered (that’s why they’re called Smartphones), to people asking me strange questions they wouldn’t normally ask (like they’re asking for someone else). It’s kinda funny, being spied on that is. It makes me wonder what I’m gonna do next. I see you watching me. LOL

Even as I get ready to go out and celebrate a friend’s birthday tonight, I know that I’m being watched. When I step into the club, the little spies will be focused on me for the entire evening. I hope they bring their video phones. Maybe I’ll give them a show. I wouldn’t want to disappoint them.

Stay Tuned….

Freedom to be Me

I put my all in it, and I lost myself in it. It always happens, but this time I realized it before they screwed up. And I screwed up instead. Then I realized that it wasn’t me who screwed up. The person who screwed up is in my body, but it is not me, for I wouldn’t do it. I did, however, allow this person to take hold of me. And now I’m kicking him out. He’s leaving. I’ll be free. For once in my life….I’ll be free to be me.

A Valuable Lesson...

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

Let's Make Music...

So I was on the T today and this guy pulls out a notebook and starts writing. After a closer look, I noticed that the pages of the notebook were music staffs and the guy was writing notes...Literally. Music notes. A nostalgic feeling came over me. I realized how much I missed singing classical music. Another thing I noticed was that the guy was absolutely gorgeous! Well, maybe not gorgeous but attractive nonetheless. I wanted to say something to him...ask him about the music he was writing...get some sort of conversation going. But I didn't. Why didn't I say anything to him? Was I afraid that he would look at me like I had 3 eyes? Was I afraid of the rejection if I decided I liked him enough to ask out? I don't know....this is all so new to me....

Billy

PS: I need to get laid....lol