Is that a knife in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

Shit like this you can't make up. Thanks to WMBF News in Myrtle Beach for reporting this.



MYRTLE BEACH, SC (WMBF) - A Myrtle Beach man has been charged after police say he stabbed his roommate on Thursday.

According to a report from Myrtle Beach Police, the 58-year-old victim was attacked after asking his roommate to quiet down while engaging in sexual activity with a woman.

After telling his roommate he was sick of hearing the noise, police say his roommate jumped out of bed and began stabbing the 58-year-old in the hand with a knife. Police say the man ran out of the apartment and alerted neighbors that he had been injured.

The victim sustained stab wounds to his left hand as a result of the altercation.

The man's roommate, later identified as Russell Willis Shepherd Jr., 40, of Myrtle Beach, has since been charged with second degree assault and battery and transported to the Myrtle Beach Jail.

Like seriously, WTF? It wasn't like that guy asked if he could join in or anything. Tell your fucking hooker to keep her porno audition noise to a minimum. Yeesh! I hope homeboy finds a new roomie after he gets out of the hospital.

I Can't...

So some dude was arrested and pled guilty for having sex with a donkey. Isn't that how AIDS came about? Or was it a monkey? I don't know. I don't care. If I was that donkey I would've fought back and fucked HIM in the ass.

How you like them apples?

Rotten Condoms

Just in case you thought China was just good for lead-painted toys



Authorities have shut down a factory in central China that was producing fake and non sterile condoms and they are trying to track down over two million of the rotten condoms that have already been sold across the country. The peckerhead prophylactics were believed to be sold under numerous brands and police say that the suspect bought the condoms wholesale, then added an unknown lubricant and repackaged them WITHOUT sterilizing them.

And of course, there were underaged girls allegedly working at the factory.

This is a hot ass mess. China already stole all the Gold Medals in the Olympics and now they wanna kill off the population with dirty condoms. Why not just find a way to put the AIDS virus in their rice and call it a day?

Best News All Day

I must have been caught up in all the 9/11 anniversary blah blah blah because this lovely little dollop of a story flew right past me...

Apparantly, two men in Fort Smith, Arkansas have been arrested for playing porno DVDs on the display TVs at.....Walmart.

This is a damn shame. First there was the MILF in California who fucked her daughter's friends in the parking lot, and now this. What is Walmart coming to these days?

Remember way back when all they had to worry about was covering up their sweatshop operations. Now they can't even control their own rednecks in the US of A. How dreadful!

VMA Updates...by the minute

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards are on tonight....which is ironic because MTV doesn't air music videos anymore. But regardless, I'm here to give all of my non-readers an up to the minute update of the hot messes on the red carpet and throughout the awards show. I would be tweeting....but I'm still fasting from that.

11:30 This is it....goodnight everybody!!!

11:28 Somebody needs to kick Lil Mama off the damn stage. Literally. Kick her.

11:25 You better work those sequined pants bitch!

11:22 I'm living for Alicia Keys on that damn piano. MTV's cinematography is awfully dramatic right now for this intro.

11:14 Beyaki wins "Video of the Year!" Very classy of her to let Taylor come out and give her acceptance speech. Lady Gaga is stealing my heart right now with all her different-ness.

11:02 I'm so scurred watching Pink's performance right now. Don't fall bitch!

10:59 Lady Gaga's acceptance speech was awesome!

10:58 Where is Sherri Shepard to keep Tracy Morgan in check?

10:51 Kid Cudi is performing on the reject stage. How dreadful!

10:49 Looks like Eminem is signing a contract to the the next MAC spokesmodel.

10:40 If Tracy Morgan really wants to win "Best New Artist," then he needs to record "Don't be Tardy for the Party!!!"

10:37 Damn....MTV couldn't give them the main stage to perform on. I don't know who this band is, but they're pretty good.

10:34 T.I. wins "Best Male Video." Don't drop the soap boo...

10:25 Beyonce just shut it down!!! Where my ring at?

10:20 Beyonce is bringing the drama with her on stage.

10:19 I think I wanna see the new Twilight movie....I guess I need to see the first one.

Kristen Stewart looks horrible with dark hair.

10:16 Pitbull must be drunk because he forgot the words to his chorus.

10:06 Green Day is performing....not my cup of red Kool-Aid, but they have the audience on their feet, which is better than last years yawn-fest that MTV put on.

10:05 Not feeling Megan Fox's outfit.

10:04 Congrats Brit...MTV still owes you BIG!

10:00 Lady Gaga is a FUCKING weirdo! LMFAO!!!!!

9:53 The bitch is dead, but her glowsticks live on!

9:51 She's got some serious Cameltoe goin on. But I like it!

9:49 Lady Gaga is giving me Phantom of the Opera Cunt Dramatics!

9:42 Taylor swift's "Subway" performance was totally fake and Green-Screened until she stepped outside. Were they just getting ready to roll tape again? Oops!

9:36 I could care less about the "Best Rock Video" award....I just hope there won't be another outbust from Kanye over who wins this one.

9:34 Ugh....I can't STAND Jack Black. What an unfunny bastard.

9:25 Kanye West is an ASSHOLE....but he was right.

9:24 Taylor Swift beats Beyonce? I'm changing the channel...

9:23 Cheesy dialogue...just hand out the damn trophy already!

9:14 I would hate to be Katy Perry right now, having to perform after that tribute. But her outfit is cute tho. Somebody tell me why Russell Brand is hosting again...

9:13 Janet just KILLED it!!!

9:07 Long live the KING!!!

9:05 I am LOVING this bitch's speech right now...

9:00 Awww....look at Madge. She looks pretty for a old tranny. Did she just throw shade at Joe Jackson?

Showtime!!!!

8:58 Award is presented for Best Video that Sucked the first time it was nominated....to the Beastie Boys for Sabotage.

8:56 Who are you?

8:55 Queen Creole has arrived. Excuse me...you're in my way!

8:51 J.Lo looks amazing! Love the dress! You better plug that album girl...

8:48 Bitch you are late. I knew they had on the same dress as soon as Pink stepped on the scene.

8:46 This girl is cute....but in the words of Mariah Carey, "I don't know who that is."

8:40 MTV shows it's first music video since 2008.

8:39 The cast of Fame hit the red carpet. I can't wait for the movie, but they look a hot mess.

8:38 Cobra Starship? arrives on the red carpet via Grey Line tour bus. Classy.

I wish Whitney would show up. But that's asking a little too much from her right now. Oh well. I have Oprah tomorrow...

8:31 Alicia Keys looks beautiful. It's refreshing to see a well spoken black person on TV besides the President. Her speaking voice relaxes me. She should record a book on tape.

8:29 Dirty Water...I mean Dirty Money just hit the red carpet. I think I officially hate Diddy. I wonder if Dawn is getting a check yet.

8:28 Only on Verizon can you record such a shitty video. Can you hear me now?

8:26 Does Taylor Swift think she's Cinderella or something?

8:22 Those kids were cute with their routine. That disaster interviewing them, however, was not.

8:19 Who is this old guy?

8:17 Some little boy hits the red carpet. I don't know who he is. But he's wearing a Calvin Klein suit, fresh off the rack at Marshalls.

8:14 Lady Gaga hits the red carpet with Kermit the Frog as her date. You didn't hear? They're fucking now. Ms. Piggy must've put her in that neck brace, feathers and all.

8:11 Pink shows up...wearing the same dress as Shakira. Oops!

Let's Go Streaking in Antarctica!

So Deuce and I went to go see the new Kate Beckinsale movie, "Whiteout" today. Overall, it was a pretty good movie, but one of the first things that stood out for me in the movie had little to do with the plot whatsoever.

In the first few minutes of the film, it shows the outside of the base where most of the movie takes place and as Kate's character is walking into the building, there is a group of guys running out of the building nude. They were streaking. In Antarctica.

Kinda puts a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Cold as balls" huh?

Regardless, once a saw the frozen dicks go by, I immediately thought, "I wanna do that!!!" So now, there is one more impossible goal on my list of things to accomplish before I'm dead. I will go streaking in Antarctica...

Who's with me?

Momma, Iz a Virgin!

Ladies, has all the whoring around when you were 13 or 14 starting to catch up with you? Did you tell your man that you were saving yourself for marriage, knowing your snatch is as loose as Kirstie Alley's skinny jeans on Nicole Richie? Or have you finally realized that the best way out of a recession is to auction off your non-existent virginity to the highest bidder on Ebay? Well, I have got THE product for you:



It's an Artificial Virginity Hymen! (Applause)

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

I can almost imagine all the pregnant virgins roaming the streets of Woburn now...

Tales from the Steamroom: Mohegan Sun

So my roomate came up with this brilliant idea of going to Mohegan Sun for a day of drinks, gambling, and massages. Mention anything involving booze, and I'm there!

Now, I haven't had many professional massages before, but each time I had one, it was always a male masseuse. I'm just funny that way. But this time, there was a female who was giving me the much needed rubdown. So as the massage begins, I'm trying to relax, clear my head, all that Zen shit people practice to get the most of their time on that table. But for some reason, I couldn't focus on relaxing! I don't know what it was....maybe because I was sick the night before...maybe because I was ready for a drink...I don't know. But I had some of the most random thoughts running through my mind, including:

She's rubbing awfully close to my buttcrack...I wonder if she likes my tattoo...Is that a boob on my forehead?...I'm glad the oil she's using isn't cold....I wonder if I won Becky's weekly giveaway...I don't wanna go back to work...???...I must've relaxed a little there because I don't remember her moving to this arm...hehe, that tickles a little....

And then, times up.

But I must say, that was a pretty damn good massage!

When Animals Attack...

This is exactly why I don't mess with wild animals...

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.
“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

There are some sick, sick people in the world. I usually like the crazy type, but this is too much for me. His dick must have been a solid 2 inches for him not to be able to score human pooty-tang. Serves him right...No means no!

Weirdness

So because I had nothing else better to do, I decided to Google crazy sex laws in Massachusetts.

Now I thought I was gonna find some off the wall crazy shit....but I didn't. However, I did find a few things that made made me go.."What the fuck?"

For instance, oral sex is ILLEGAL in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? 90% of gay sex is oral! Is this some sick way of locking up all the homos?

Also, it is illegal for a man's erection to show through his clothing. By this standard, a lot of adolescent boys (and some ready freaky weirdo grown-ups) should be put away for a few years.

But the craziest of them all had to have been this one: At a rodeo, it is illegal to have sex with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses.

What the fuck?