Real Talk: 4th Edition

Wow! Tomorrow is September first. While most folks are heading out of town to celebrate Labor weekend and anxously posting vacation pics on Twitter and Facebook (and Instagram), I'll be taking my much needed month-long sabbatical from anything and anything Social Networking related.

This edition of Real Talk is sort of bittersweet. When I first started this one man experiment in 2009, it was based on a bet that I couldn't give up Tweeting for a week. I raised that bet to a month and it included giving up Facebook, Twitter, IMs, AND TEXTING for an entire month...and while it was a difficult task, I survived it. My objectives have changed since then.

This year, time seems to be flying faster than before (probably because I've crossed that 30 threshold) and I've actually been enjoying my time using Social Networking for it's intended purpose: Making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. But taking this break will once again make me appreciate the technology that is readily available to me when I need/want it.

For the next thirty days, if you have my actual phone number or physical address....use it. That's the only way you'll get ahold of me. Meanwhile, I'll be offline trying to enjoy the little bit of summer that's left, including a vacation with the bff....and perhaps a date or two. But that would require someone to go on a date with.

No Cockblockers Allowed

Cockblock (verb): The art of interfering, by way of one’s mere presence, with the attempt of one person to freak another.

Cockblocker (noun): A person who interferes with another’s chance of getting laid.

I seem to be surrounded by an army of cockblockers lately, and I don’t really understand why. I’m already having “self-confidence” issues as of late due to various reasons in which I frankly need to get over, but I’m getting tired of the constant level of thirst surrounding me these days.

My most recent cockblock happened at work. I’m helping a gentleman upgrade his phone. He was fairly attractive, but had a body to DIE FOR. I’m going through my normal routine, helping him pick out a new phone, checking out his ass….I mean account to make sure he was on the right plan to suit his needs….

When out of NOWHERE, my friggin co-worker decides to get all up in my mix, annoying the shit out me, talking about porn subscriptions, girlfriends, vaginas….I don’t really know. It was all a blur and it was pissing me the fuck off. I wanted to kill him. Needless to say, the customer was trying to get the hell out as quickly as possible.

Was the guy gay? Was he straight? I don’t know. I don’t even care. He wasn’t your typical over entitled asshole of a customer, so for that I was in love.  What's that saying, "You catch more flies with honey....?"

This is just the most recent example, but seriously whether I’m at karaoke, at work, or just out with friends in general, my rooster gets blocked at any opportunity. But the next time somebody’s thirsty ass tries to take my tall drink of water, I’m putting some Shug Avery pee in it.

Will Fuck for Cheeseburgers

My my my....we've come a long way from Chicken Tetrazzini.

Out of the great state of Florida, we have Christine Faith Baker who was arrested after allegedly...ahem...offering sexual favors in exchange for 2 McDoubles at McDonald's.

That's right. Cheeseburgers bitch. An undercover police officer invited what I'm assuming is Ms. not Mrs. Baker into his car and was talking about tappin that trailor park booty. At that point, Baker ALLEGEDLY expressed that the price of her pussy is....2 McDoubles. Pay the fuck up.

The detective bought the cheeseburgers and drove to a vacant lot where she was arrested by other police officers. Womp Womp.

Now....I won't deny the powers that lie in a juicy McDonalds cheeseburger, nor will I deny the fact that I would consider exchanging sexual favors for food. But dammit, it would be in the privacy of my own home and it would have to be like a slab of ribs or something. But whatever...to each it's own.

What I want to know is.....What would this bitch do for a Klondike Bar?

30

Last week marked a milestone for me. In 1982, a star was born (LMAO!) and I turned 30 on February 15th. It seems like only last year I was celebrating my 25th birthday...probably because I was lying through my teeth about my age. But I was ready for 30. Despite everything that is going on, I am extremely happy with the position I am in at this time of my life and I am grateful for the people I am surrounded by to share it with. My best friend, DeVante flew in from Detroit to surprise me and celebrate! Here we are getting ready for the party:

Tons of well wishes from friends and family from all over the place filled me with such joy, and a very special gift from Deuce will always be with me to remind me of that day.

Now....the party! As you may or may not know, every Wednesday night is Karaoke night at Club Cafe in Boston....and I don't miss it for anything! Haha. So when it came to my attention that my 30th fell on a Wednesday, we knew we had to make it special. My friend Ryan (who's the host on Wednesdays) helped coordinate a Masquerade themed Karaoke night to celebrate.

It was absolutely amazing. I never had so much fun in my entire life and I am truly grateful to those who came out on a school night to celebrate and sing and eat cake and just got totally smashed with me! I didn't get too many pics because of all the debauchery going on, but I did manage to get a couple of performances on film. Don't judge me.

Miss Angela....Always shutting it down!


Me...trying to one-up her. Haha


After several drinks....



And what birthday is complete without cake?



Good times.....I can't wait for 31!

Where Do Broken Hearts Go

Yesterday sucked.

I'm in the mall trying to de-stress from work, headed to Starbucks and my phone rings. My roommate delivers the worst news of the day: Whitney Houston had died.

I couldn't even think straight....I just had to get off the phone. Not Whitney. I refused to believe it. Then my phone rings again. It's my Best Friend. "Please don't tell me...." I said. "Yup..." was all he could say.

Fuck. It was true. My all-time FAVORITE singer....EVER....was dead.

I felt like a member of my own family had died. In a way, Whitney was family. I grew up with her. Listened to her music repeatedly as a child all the way through to present day. I loved her. There was no other singer like Whitney. And now she's gone.

I can't even phathom to list my favorite Whitney moments, because the list is infinite. But I will list a few:

1991 Billboard Music Awards - She shut it down with a performance of  Lover Man, My Man & All the Man I need.



1994 South Africa Concert - I Have Nothing



Star Spangled Banner



And of Course....



Rest in Peace Whitney. I will ALWAYS love you.

Dangerous Curves

Ladies, have you ever thought about surprising your insignificant other with some classy, creative titty art, but don't want to commit to a permanent tattoo?

Well look no further! A lovely company by the name of TaTaToos can give those tig ol bitties the tramp stamp of approval they need to impress those men (and women) waiting for that special delivery that is in your bra. These temporary tats are all for the low low price of $10, so buy em all, dammit!

When Drunk Bitches Attack

It looks like 2012 will be a crazy year indeed with recent news that a 36-year-old Colorado woman has been accused of drunkenly attacking a painting worth over $30 million, according to the Denver District Attorney’s Office.

Carmen Tisch, 36, was arrested after scratching, punching and rubbing her BARE ASS against Clyfford Still's "1957-J no.2" and then attempted to urinate on the painting. She however, missed. Tisch’s actions caused an estimated $10,000 in damage to the painting, which is valued between $30 and $40 million.

Where the fuck were her friends during all this? And more importantly, are they going to help pony up the $20,000 to bail her ass out of jail?

Eye in the Vagina

How I missed this story before boggles me, but alas....

One cold winter night, Dr. Melissa Barton was the attending physician in the emergency department of the Detroit Medical Center. I'm sure it was a slow night in the ER and doc was probably like "piece of cake." No bitch...

Making her rounds, she picked up a chart for a new patient and read the woman's chief complaint: "eye in the vagina."

You read that right.

 Eye. In. The. Fucking. Vagina.

If I were a doctor, I would seriously be like "What the fuck??" But this is why I didn't go to Med School. But anyway...

The patient told Barton she had been expecting a fight with some neighbors outside her house. Wearing only a sweatshirt and spandex pants, she needed somewhere to stow her prosthetic eye for safe-keeping. "Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace," Barton said. "So that's where it went, along with her driver's license." Unfortunately, it got stuck.

Of course she put her eye in her vagina. She couldn't just leave it in the trailer for somebody to steal, now could she??? She probably pulled out a baseball bat from there to fight the other girl with. How dreadful.

This woman clearly did not know what she was doing. Asian women have been shoving ping pong balls up their snatch and popping them out for generations, and this woman loses an eye up there. Where is Doctor Yang when you need her?

Donut Hoe

In the great state of New Jersey, home to some class acts such as the cast of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been accused of offering her services as a prostitute to customers.

Police have arrested Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, who worked the overnight shift at Dunks on Rt 46. Detectives had done surveillance and saw that America was clearly running on her pussy because Ms. Redmond would follow customers to their car and spend 10-15 minutes out there, and even saw money exchanging hands a few times. She was arrested after disclosing her services and price menu to an undercover officer and proceeded to follow him to his car.

Who would pay for sex from a bitch at Dunkin' Donuts? Her nappy dugout is probably as dry as those damn donuts they're serving up. No thank you. Now...if they were offering a little Red Light Special at Krispy Kreme....

If You Seek Amy

A New Zealand woman nearly lost her hand after a crazy fuck-fest in Croatia went wrong. Apparently the woman, only known as "Amy" was getting it on with some hot piece of British man dick in the bathroom on a yacht, when the sink broke and her hand was severed on a jagged piece of porcelain as they fell to the ground. It took six hours to put poor little Amy's hand back on, and her man is MIA.

Ain't that a bitch? How you gonna fuck some girl, watch her hand get chopped off, and flee the scene? Actually, he was smart. It's Shark Week. All that blood on that damn boat was bound to draw out Jaws and his hungry buddies to eat anything and everything on the S.S. Fuckalot.

I hope Amy doesn't catch up with him. HE might get something severed...

Real Talk Three!

I can't believe that September is almost here! This year is flying by so fast and the month of September is significant to a lot of different people for different reasons. For some, it means that Fall is approaching. To others, Back-to-School is near. My mother's birthday is in September. But it also means it time for another Social Media sabbatical.

I was debating whether I was going to do this again this year. I mean, it seems that Social Media has taken over every aspect of modern life, from doing business, to staying in touch with friends and family, and the not-so-nice parts of life such as cyber-bullying. This started as a bet two years ago that I couldn't give up Social Media sites for a month....and I did....and it felt great. I had real conversations with people OFFLINE because.....well, I forced them to.

This year, the task of giving up Facebook and Twitter won't be as difficult because I've already been a little too busy to Tweet like I should. I've been busting my hump at work and it's paid off. I got a promotion! So while I'm not tweeting, "liking" anyone's pictures or statuses, or forming a "huddle" or "Circle," I'll be trying to figure out how the hell do I do my new job well enough not to get fired. Haha.

Fair warning to all, if you need me, call me. I'll write to everyone via snail mail because I have waaaay too much stationery in my house, and I think its nice to open your mailbox and see something other than bills there. Don't worry. I'll still text those stubborn folks.

Manic Monday: Epilogue

What a fucking day! This is only part one of a 7-day, crazy ass, busy ass, ball-busting week. As much of a good time I had busting my ass today, I need more. If I expect to have any type of life, I realize that I need to get the fuck out of retail. Not saying that I need to be in stuffy Corporate America working a 9-5, but I feel like I need to hurry up and get out of the "Front Line" and find a home in another sector of my company...or another company.

But until then, I'll leave you all with this:

Manic Monday: Act Two

I'm done!!! MIT was surprisingly enjoyable. I think I represented my company well, along with my B2B counterparts, and made some great connections. Not a pretentious crowd at all. Everyone was excited about how this new technology will take off in the US and will hopefully catch up to Europe and Asia with it's everyday implementation.

Dropping everything back to the store, realizing I haven't had a latte all day, so sprinting to Starbucks as I type this. Curtain Call!

Manic Monday: Intermission

Event number one done. I think my boss feels bad about me having to work seven days this week, so he bought me lunch. I don't care. Just pay me.

So I'm at the store for two hours and I'm trying to get my work laptop remotely configured for this trade show I'm exhibiting Wednesday. I really don't know what's so difficult about an IT guy doing his job in a timely manner, but he is working my last nerve. Headed to MIT for event number two, and this shit better be done when I return or I'm going AWF!!!

Manic Monday: Act One

I had a 9am workout with Spanish Fly (you know me and nicknames). Everything that was pent up in me and all the stresses over the past couple weeks came out today in the form of Dead Lifts and Ab Crunches. I felt great, but I knew this was only the beginning of a hellish week...

And right now, I'm sitting at a table at work event number one of two, listening to people complain about how they're spending too much money with their current provider, and how their coverage is so crappy, but don't want to leave because they have their precious iPhone. Fuck you.

Is it time for lunch yet?

Manic Monday: Prologue

7:00 am. And my alarm is yelling at me. I didn't want to get out of bed. Too many things running in my head. Too many things I had to come to terms with last night. I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed....

But because I know I'm a better person than the one that was laying there, I got up. I got shit to do.

A Bumbaclot Mess

Love can make you do some crazy shit. And apparently, so can good dick. I can't understand half of what's going on here, but I think that Keri is serving up a mean dish of Chicken Tetrazzini.




I know one thing....I'll be thinking twice if someone wants to try the barb-wire twist on me!

Dr. Feel Good?

Usually, when you go to the Doctor, you get some decent medical advice, maybe a prescription for some sweet narcotics, and you're cured.

Don't try to swallow any prescription from this guy:



Patients of a weight-loss doctor in Pensylvannia got more than they bargained for when the doctor "allegedly" made a suggestion on how they could lose weight quickly. The solution: Have sex with him, and each orgasm they had would burn about 200 calories.

200 calories? That's it? Doesn't seem worth it to me. And it definitely didn't seem worth it to the patients because the Police have charged Dr. Arie Oren with Indecent Assult and Aggravated Indecent Assault. On one occasion he told a woman she was getting "an extra-special treat for losing all the weight" before using a massager around her genital area. He also told one woman "if you need a man, I'm a man" before allegedly assaulting her.

Now we have ALL heard that sex is the best exercise, but let's face it: There are some FAT hoes walking around fucking any and everything that'll let it. So I don't buy that shit.

BUT if he comes out of jail with some noticable weight loss, I'll be buying whatever he's selling!

Pray

Well I've certainly have received my fair share of bad news recently. Some of it is beyond my control and some of it is due to me not taking care of my responsibilities like I should have been. Today sucked. And I'm almost positive that the upcoming days are going to continue to suck if I don't figure out what I need to do. I need help.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

- Woody Allen

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the super-religious type. I have faith in a higher power, but it's been more than a few years since I've prayed or "had a conversation" with the Big Guy upstairs. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I have no idea where to start. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I need to thank him for. But I also need to ask for strength to work harder to achieve my goals. I pray for the knowledge to determine what to hold on to and what to let go of. I pray for the ability to be more patient and have more balance to REALLY get things in order. But first things first, I need the strength to get out of bed tomorrow.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

- Gone With the Wind

Grumpy Old Man

File this under: FUCKED UP



A creepy old man named Daniel Toy has been arrested in Pennsylvania for having child pornography on his computer.

Police say that the 81 year old told him that the videos weren't meant for anything sexual. "I can't get excited anymore...I'm too old." Ummm....yeah right old man. You wouldn't have that shit if it didn't excite you. He goes on to tell the police that he only had the kiddie porn because he "wanted to see what other people are doing."

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure when this dude was growing up during World War I and he was hanging out with friends his mom was like "If Tommy blows up a building, would you?" So don't make some lame ass excuse. Just come clean..."My name is Daniel and I'm addicted to kiddie porn!" and save us the fuckin trouble. Yeesh!