Manic Monday: Intermission

Event number one done. I think my boss feels bad about me having to work seven days this week, so he bought me lunch. I don't care. Just pay me.

So I'm at the store for two hours and I'm trying to get my work laptop remotely configured for this trade show I'm exhibiting Wednesday. I really don't know what's so difficult about an IT guy doing his job in a timely manner, but he is working my last nerve. Headed to MIT for event number two, and this shit better be done when I return or I'm going AWF!!!

Manic Monday: Act One

I had a 9am workout with Spanish Fly (you know me and nicknames). Everything that was pent up in me and all the stresses over the past couple weeks came out today in the form of Dead Lifts and Ab Crunches. I felt great, but I knew this was only the beginning of a hellish week...

And right now, I'm sitting at a table at work event number one of two, listening to people complain about how they're spending too much money with their current provider, and how their coverage is so crappy, but don't want to leave because they have their precious iPhone. Fuck you.

Is it time for lunch yet?

Manic Monday: Prologue

7:00 am. And my alarm is yelling at me. I didn't want to get out of bed. Too many things running in my head. Too many things I had to come to terms with last night. I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed....

But because I know I'm a better person than the one that was laying there, I got up. I got shit to do.

A Bumbaclot Mess

Love can make you do some crazy shit. And apparently, so can good dick. I can't understand half of what's going on here, but I think that Keri is serving up a mean dish of Chicken Tetrazzini.




I know one thing....I'll be thinking twice if someone wants to try the barb-wire twist on me!

Dr. Feel Good?

Usually, when you go to the Doctor, you get some decent medical advice, maybe a prescription for some sweet narcotics, and you're cured.

Don't try to swallow any prescription from this guy:



Patients of a weight-loss doctor in Pensylvannia got more than they bargained for when the doctor "allegedly" made a suggestion on how they could lose weight quickly. The solution: Have sex with him, and each orgasm they had would burn about 200 calories.

200 calories? That's it? Doesn't seem worth it to me. And it definitely didn't seem worth it to the patients because the Police have charged Dr. Arie Oren with Indecent Assult and Aggravated Indecent Assault. On one occasion he told a woman she was getting "an extra-special treat for losing all the weight" before using a massager around her genital area. He also told one woman "if you need a man, I'm a man" before allegedly assaulting her.

Now we have ALL heard that sex is the best exercise, but let's face it: There are some FAT hoes walking around fucking any and everything that'll let it. So I don't buy that shit.

BUT if he comes out of jail with some noticable weight loss, I'll be buying whatever he's selling!

Pray

Well I've certainly have received my fair share of bad news recently. Some of it is beyond my control and some of it is due to me not taking care of my responsibilities like I should have been. Today sucked. And I'm almost positive that the upcoming days are going to continue to suck if I don't figure out what I need to do. I need help.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

- Woody Allen

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the super-religious type. I have faith in a higher power, but it's been more than a few years since I've prayed or "had a conversation" with the Big Guy upstairs. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I have no idea where to start. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I need to thank him for. But I also need to ask for strength to work harder to achieve my goals. I pray for the knowledge to determine what to hold on to and what to let go of. I pray for the ability to be more patient and have more balance to REALLY get things in order. But first things first, I need the strength to get out of bed tomorrow.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

- Gone With the Wind

Grumpy Old Man

File this under: FUCKED UP



A creepy old man named Daniel Toy has been arrested in Pennsylvania for having child pornography on his computer.

Police say that the 81 year old told him that the videos weren't meant for anything sexual. "I can't get excited anymore...I'm too old." Ummm....yeah right old man. You wouldn't have that shit if it didn't excite you. He goes on to tell the police that he only had the kiddie porn because he "wanted to see what other people are doing."

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure when this dude was growing up during World War I and he was hanging out with friends his mom was like "If Tommy blows up a building, would you?" So don't make some lame ass excuse. Just come clean..."My name is Daniel and I'm addicted to kiddie porn!" and save us the fuckin trouble. Yeesh!

TGIFuck You

Today was a rough ass day. And I'm working all weekend. So no TGIF for me. I long for the day I get out of retail....at least far enough that I'm not in a store on a daily basis. But until then...

Geek Squad

So I was sitting here helping my little brother via cellphone with his homework, finishing up some work-work, and adding entries to my indelicate, yet scintillating blog, when I decided to post today's pic of me in my nerd glasses. Prada bitch.

V is for Vocabulary

California Gurls

First, there was Vajazzling, and now this.

If you were ever wondering why California Gurls were so fucking unforgettable, it could be because there is a spa in Southern Cali that has started offering a 600 year old Korean treatment known as "chai-yok." In essence, it's a steam bath for the vagina. The treatment itself uses many herbs, including mugwort, which is believed to be an antiseptic that could also help rid your body of toxins. Hmmm....talk about pampering your pussy.

I for one, am jealous as hell. Vaginas are always getting some special treatment like they fucking give life or something. Oh wait...

Regardless, I would like to be able to sit on a pot and have soothing herbal steams and whatnot blow up my ass. I need to look into this. I'm sure Aveda has something I can use.

Beauty Tips

I was washing my mug and realized I forgot about today's pic. Aveda is the shit. It ain't easy being this fucking pretty.

What's Your Cup Size?

Ok, growing up around women for most of my life, I unfortunately have seen my fair share of bras and and how cup sizes are measured and whatnot. However, nothing could prepare me for this.



This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Ballbra. It is proclaimed by it's manufacturers to not only be comfortable and sexy, but also is said to increase stimulation during sex or masturbation. Fun, huh?

Sizes run in typical underwear-like sizes, or you can be a true "baller" boy and order a custom ballbra by measuring the height and width of your ummm....boys.

I don't know about you, but this sounds like heaven to me. But then again, I've always had a thing for underwear so this is right up my alley. What's say you guys? More importantly, what's your cup size?

Baby I'm a Star

I love this star hanging on my wall. I don't know why. I Also don't know why I can't get the song "Baby I'm a Star" by Prince out of my head today. Whenever I hear it playing I always do the craziest dances to it. But I guess in combination of the song, the star on my purple wall, Prince being nicknamed "his Royal Purpleness," and the fact that my mother's name is synonymous with one of my favorite colors....I thought that this would be a fitting picture for today.

V is for Violet

Portrait of a Vain Bitch

Have you ever wanted to take a look at yourself and see how life has affected you over time? At the end of every year there's always someone who says how quickly the year has gone by. "Where did the year go?" Well, to answer that question for me, I'll take a picure of myself every day and post them here for my millions of readers to view in all their glory. LOL.

Yes...I'm a vain bitch. I'll be the first to admit it. If I don't love me, who will? But that's only part of the reasoning behind this project. In addition to wanting more pictures of myself to exist, I want to be able to see the feelings behind the picture. A way of reflecting on the year, so to speak. And it also guarantees that I'll be updating this damn blog at least once a day. So there. Anyhoo...here's pic number one.

V is for Vanity.

Happy New Year!

Too Busy to Live

There's no doubt about it: I'm a busy bitch. This is mostly due to my line of work...retail is a bitch, especially when you're in management. It seems like my work ethic is different than most people that I know because I find myself busting my ass and being completely exhausted from just a typical day at work. I need a change.

I've missed out on opportunities to hang with friends, enjoying quality time with myself, and just downright living because I'm either working or being too tired to do anything else when I'm not working. Not to also mention that if I'm not tired, nothing in this damn city stays open past 9pm except for clubs. Either way, something has to change.

2010 has been about work, work, work for me. I hope that there will be a little time for play in 2011. I don't expect the work load to get any lighter. In fact, I'm hoping that I would have more "work" opportunities in my day job as well as other projects. However, I do plan on working out my work-life balance. "Sharpening the Saw," if you will. I want to see my friends more, old and new. I want to have a life...and not be "too busy" to live. As busy as I am, I think I may have met my match...but that's another story. For my situation, it's going to take a lot of effort on my part, and a lot of understanding on my friends' part, but I'm ready.

After all....I'll sleep when I'm dead.

AIDS Is No Laughing Matter

December 1, 2010 marks the 22nd annual World AIDS Day and I wonder when we will finally get to a point where we no longer have to commemorate this day?



This is a day to remember those that have died from AIDS, honor those that are living with AIDS, and be there for those who love or have loved someone affected by this disease. But as I look around, it seems as though HIV and AIDS are more the butt of a joke than anything else. There isn't a day that I look at my Twitter timeline and someone has made an AIDS joke about some celebrity, or anyone who looks or acts a little differently, or who happens to cough a little to loudly. Now don't get me wrong - I am just a guilty as most because God knows I'm more offensive than anyone else I know. But it still makes we wonder...do these people really know about it? Do they have any knowledge about the subject? AIDS is really not a laughing matter.

For those out there that think that it can't happen to you...that you'll never get HIV - THINK AGAIN. I have come across many people who are living with HIV. I know many people personally who are living with HIV and I know of some who lost the battle. But don't think that it's an automatic death sentence. I have some very dear friends who are living very healthy lives that are HIV positive. And let's face it: Some of you have friends too...maybe even lovers, but you may not know it....or they may not know it.

Have you been tested for HIV? Do you use condoms 100% of the time when having sex? Do you know somebody or love somebody who has HIV or AIDS or somebody who is affected by it? This is REAL, people. Millions of people are living with this disease and millions of people are DYING of this disease every year. The only way we can stop it from spreading is by educating ourselves, knowing your status, and protecting ourselves each and every time we have sex. And keep supporting advancements in medicine so that one day, we will have a CURE.



**On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Orlando. :0)

Stamp the Passport

For some reason, I get the best material to write about by talking to my fellow coworkers, and this is no exception. Before Babyface (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) quit and moved back to Virginia, he and I were discussing my all time favorite topic - banging chicks (barf) - and he filled me in on a little topic known as "Stamping the Passport."

Basically, when you engage in sexual relations with someone in another country or from another country, you basically get a stamp on your sexport. Talk about Around the World in 80 Fucks.

I'm sure that this operation also works in the ghey community, but really tho WHO keeps track of this shit?

What countries do you have a stamp for? Sound off, whores!

Smells Like Teen Spirit

Honestly, I don't know of anyone except a freaking pervert who would want to have this ummm....product in their home for daily use, but to each his own.



That's right. You too can smell like a sweaty vagina with VULVA Original! While it's manufacturers are not deeming it a "perfume," it's definitely an erotic feminine scent meant to ignite arousal to those who get a good whiff of it.

It is unclear what is in it and the description "slightly yellow, desirable substance" is kinda scary to me. I myself, am allergic to vagina. I practically broke out in hives when I was born and have never looked back. But by all means, somebody order this shit and tell me how it is!

A Different Type of Vitamin Water

Have you ever been so pissed off at a co-worker that you thought "I'm gonna jack off into this bitch's bottle of water?"

Yeah, me neither.

But apparantly SOMEBODY must have pissed this guy off in California enough to make him do just that.

Michael Kevin Lallana, of Fullerton, CA has been charged with two misdemeanor counts each of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, according to a statement from the Orange County District Attorney's office. Back in January, this dude deposited his man juice into a water bottle that was on a female co-workers desk. She later came back to her desk, drank from the bottle, and threw it away after feeling sick and irritated.

Then, HE DOES IT AGAIN three months later!!! But this time, the woman was smart and sent the bottle of semen-aid to be tested. DNA never lies boo boo.

I've been know for a little office prank, but that shit is disgusting. I smell an office romance that went terribly wrong. Let it be a lesson folks: Your health and sanity ain't worth it for mail-room dick or cubicle pussy. That GOOD-GOOD lies within middle and upper management.

Real Talk v2.0

As you may or may not recall, last year I did a little personal experiment entitled Real Talk where I gave up all forms of social networking for 30 days. During that time frame I was able to take a breather from the online world and sort of appreciate my many forms of technology and communication methods for what they were.

This year, I decided to do it again. While my reasons last year were more to see if I could ACTUALLY give up Tweeting and everything else for a month, this year is more of a NEED to give it up for a month. There is just certain things that I do not need to say, do, or read vis the internet and I want to be able to miss these things in order to appreciate the technology that I am afforded and not take it for granted. And to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of some of the backhanded, catty, shady, subliminal shit that goes on between friends, enemies, and complete strangers that takes place at everyones fingertips via computer keyboard. (Myself included in all of that)

So here we go again. Real Talk. Version 2.0. For the month of September, there will be no Facebook. No Twitter. I've FINALLY caught up to 2008 and deleted my MySpace. No IMs. No texting. No personal email. You can call me, or you can write me via snail mail.

Instead of doing nothing for 30 days besides working like I did last year. Perhaps I'll add some spontaneity to my month off. Maybe I'll drive to the cape in the middle of the night, just to watch the sunrise, and drive back. Or fly to Bali (Thanks Ms. Gilbert). Or perhaps I'll just take my fat ass to the gym for a change. Who knows. I will do SOMETHING. And I'll probably share with you guys. :0)