Red Steam

Dangerous Curves

2012-01-15T19:20:00.000-05:00

Ladies, have you ever thought about surprising your insignificant other with some classy, creative titty art, but don't want to commit to a permanent tattoo?

Well look no further! A lovely company by the name of TaTaToos can give those tig ol bitties the tramp stamp of approval they need to impress those men (and women) waiting for that special delivery that is in your bra. These temporary tats are all for the low low price of $10, so buy em all, dammit!

When Drunk Bitches Attack

2012-01-06T20:33:00.000-05:00

It looks like 2012 will be a crazy year indeed with recent news that a 36-year-old Colorado woman has been accused of drunkenly attacking a painting worth over $30 million, according to the Denver District Attorney’s Office.

Carmen Tisch, 36, was arrested after scratching, punching and rubbing her BARE ASS against Clyfford Still's "1957-J no.2" and then attempted to urinate on the painting. She however, missed. Tisch’s actions caused an estimated $10,000 in damage to the painting, which is valued between $30 and $40 million.

Where the fuck were her friends during all this? And more importantly, are they going to help pony up the $20,000 to bail her ass out of jail?

Eye in the Vagina

2012-01-02T01:28:00.000-05:00

How I missed this story before boggles me, but alas....

One cold winter night, Dr. Melissa Barton was the attending physician in the emergency department of the Detroit Medical Center. I'm sure it was a slow night in the ER and doc was probably like "piece of cake." No bitch...

Making her rounds, she picked up a chart for a new patient and read the woman's chief complaint: "eye in the vagina."

You read that right.

Eye. In. The. Fucking. Vagina.

If I were a doctor, I would seriously be like "What the fuck??" But this is why I didn't go to Med School. But anyway...

The patient told Barton she had been expecting a fight with some neighbors outside her house. Wearing only a sweatshirt and spandex pants, she needed somewhere to stow her prosthetic eye for safe-keeping. "Those things are pretty expensive and hard to replace," Barton said. "So that's where it went, along with her driver's license." Unfortunately, it got stuck.

Of course she put her eye in her vagina. She couldn't just leave it in the trailer for somebody to steal, now could she??? She probably pulled out a baseball bat from there to fight the other girl with. How dreadful.

This woman clearly did not know what she was doing. Asian women have been shoving ping pong balls up their snatch and popping them out for generations, and this woman loses an eye up there. Where is Doctor Yang when you need her?

Donut Hoe

2011-08-21T20:24:00.000-04:00

In the great state of New Jersey, home to some class acts such as the cast of Jersey Shore and Real Housewives of New Jersey, a Dunkin' Donuts employee has been accused of offering her services as a prostitute to customers.

Police have arrested Melissa Redmond, 29, of Mine Hill, who worked the overnight shift at Dunks on Rt 46. Detectives had done surveillance and saw that America was clearly running on her pussy because Ms. Redmond would follow customers to their car and spend 10-15 minutes out there, and even saw money exchanging hands a few times. She was arrested after disclosing her services and price menu to an undercover officer and proceeded to follow him to his car.

Who would pay for sex from a bitch at Dunkin' Donuts? Her nappy dugout is probably as dry as those damn donuts they're serving up. No thank you. Now...if they were offering a little Red Light Special at Krispy Kreme....

If You Seek Amy

2011-08-05T22:24:00.000-04:00

A New Zealand woman nearly lost her hand after a crazy fuck-fest in Croatia went wrong. Apparently the woman, only known as "Amy" was getting it on with some hot piece of British man dick in the bathroom on a yacht, when the sink broke and her hand was severed on a jagged piece of porcelain as they fell to the ground. It took six hours to put poor little Amy's hand back on, and her man is MIA.

Ain't that a bitch? How you gonna fuck some girl, watch her hand get chopped off, and flee the scene? Actually, he was smart. It's Shark Week. All that blood on that damn boat was bound to draw out Jaws and his hungry buddies to eat anything and everything on the S.S. Fuckalot.

I hope Amy doesn't catch up with him. HE might get something severed...

Real Talk Three!

2011-08-01T21:35:00.000-04:00

I can't believe that September is almost here! This year is flying by so fast and the month of September is significant to a lot of different people for different reasons. For some, it means that Fall is approaching. To others, Back-to-School is near. My mother's birthday is in September. But it also means it time for another Social Media sabbatical.

I was debating whether I was going to do this again this year. I mean, it seems that Social Media has taken over every aspect of modern life, from doing business, to staying in touch with friends and family, and the not-so-nice parts of life such as cyber-bullying. This started as a bet two years ago that I couldn't give up Social Media sites for a month....and I did....and it felt great. I had real conversations with people OFFLINE because.....well, I forced them to.

This year, the task of giving up Facebook and Twitter won't be as difficult because I've already been a little too busy to Tweet like I should. I've been busting my hump at work and it's paid off. I got a promotion! So while I'm not tweeting, "liking" anyone's pictures or statuses, or forming a "huddle" or "Circle," I'll be trying to figure out how the hell do I do my new job well enough not to get fired. Haha.

Fair warning to all, if you need me, call me. I'll write to everyone via snail mail because I have waaaay too much stationery in my house, and I think its nice to open your mailbox and see something other than bills there. Don't worry. I'll still text those stubborn folks.

Manic Monday: Epilogue

2011-05-23T23:07:00.003-04:00

What a fucking day! This is only part one of a 7-day, crazy ass, busy ass, ball-busting week. As much of a good time I had busting my ass today, I need more. If I expect to have any type of life, I realize that I need to get the fuck out of retail. Not saying that I need to be in stuffy Corporate America working a 9-5, but I feel like I need to hurry up and get out of the "Front Line" and find a home in another sector of my company...or another company.

But until then, I'll leave you all with this:

Manic Monday: Act Two

2011-05-23T20:24:00.001-04:00

I'm done!!! MIT was surprisingly enjoyable. I think I represented my company well, along with my B2B counterparts, and made some great connections. Not a pretentious crowd at all. Everyone was excited about how this new technology will take off in the US and will hopefully catch up to Europe and Asia with it's everyday implementation.

Dropping everything back to the store, realizing I haven't had a latte all day, so sprinting to Starbucks as I type this. Curtain Call!

Manic Monday: Intermission

2011-05-23T17:43:00.001-04:00

Event number one done. I think my boss feels bad about me having to work seven days this week, so he bought me lunch. I don't care. Just pay me.

So I'm at the store for two hours and I'm trying to get my work laptop remotely configured for this trade show I'm exhibiting Wednesday. I really don't know what's so difficult about an IT guy doing his job in a timely manner, but he is working my last nerve. Headed to MIT for event number two, and this shit better be done when I return or I'm going AWF!!!

Manic Monday: Act One

2011-05-23T12:48:00.001-04:00

I had a 9am workout with Spanish Fly (you know me and nicknames). Everything that was pent up in me and all the stresses over the past couple weeks came out today in the form of Dead Lifts and Ab Crunches. I felt great, but I knew this was only the beginning of a hellish week...

And right now, I'm sitting at a table at work event number one of two, listening to people complain about how they're spending too much money with their current provider, and how their coverage is so crappy, but don't want to leave because they have their precious iPhone. Fuck you.

Is it time for lunch yet?

Manic Monday: Prologue

2011-05-23T11:15:00.001-04:00

7:00 am. And my alarm is yelling at me. I didn't want to get out of bed. Too many things running in my head. Too many things I had to come to terms with last night. I REALLY didn't want to get out of bed....

But because I know I'm a better person than the one that was laying there, I got up. I got shit to do.

A Bumbaclot Mess

2011-05-10T21:22:00.003-04:00

Love can make you do some crazy shit. And apparently, so can good dick. I can't understand half of what's going on here, but I think that Keri is serving up a mean dish of Chicken Tetrazzini.

I know one thing....I'll be thinking twice if someone wants to try the barb-wire twist on me!

Dr. Feel Good?

2011-04-26T22:27:00.005-04:00

Usually, when you go to the Doctor, you get some decent medical advice, maybe a prescription for some sweet narcotics, and you're cured.

Don't try to swallow any prescription from this guy:

Patients of a weight-loss doctor in Pensylvannia got more than they bargained for when the doctor "allegedly" made a suggestion on how they could lose weight quickly. The solution: Have sex with him, and each orgasm they had would burn about 200 calories.

200 calories? That's it? Doesn't seem worth it to me. And it definitely didn't seem worth it to the patients because the Police have charged Dr. Arie Oren with Indecent Assult and Aggravated Indecent Assault. On one occasion he told a woman she was getting "an extra-special treat for losing all the weight" before using a massager around her genital area. He also told one woman "if you need a man, I'm a man" before allegedly assaulting her.

Now we have ALL heard that sex is the best exercise, but let's face it: There are some FAT hoes walking around fucking any and everything that'll let it. So I don't buy that shit.

BUT if he comes out of jail with some noticable weight loss, I'll be buying whatever he's selling!

Pray

2011-02-03T02:45:00.003-05:00

Well I've certainly have received my fair share of bad news recently. Some of it is beyond my control and some of it is due to me not taking care of my responsibilities like I should have been. Today sucked. And I'm almost positive that the upcoming days are going to continue to suck if I don't figure out what I need to do. I need help.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

- Woody Allen

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not the super-religious type. I have faith in a higher power, but it's been more than a few years since I've prayed or "had a conversation" with the Big Guy upstairs. I feel like I need to talk to him, but I have no idea where to start. There are so many things I want to say. So many things I need to thank him for. But I also need to ask for strength to work harder to achieve my goals. I pray for the knowledge to determine what to hold on to and what to let go of. I pray for the ability to be more patient and have more balance to REALLY get things in order. But first things first, I need the strength to get out of bed tomorrow.

After all, tomorrow is another day.

- Gone With the Wind

Grumpy Old Man

2011-01-28T22:13:00.004-05:00

File this under: FUCKED UP

A creepy old man named Daniel Toy has been arrested in Pennsylvania for having child pornography on his computer.

Police say that the 81 year old told him that the videos weren't meant for anything sexual. "I can't get excited anymore...I'm too old." Ummm....yeah right old man. You wouldn't have that shit if it didn't excite you. He goes on to tell the police that he only had the kiddie porn because he "wanted to see what other people are doing."

Are you fucking kidding me? I'm sure when this dude was growing up during World War I and he was hanging out with friends his mom was like "If Tommy blows up a building, would you?" So don't make some lame ass excuse. Just come clean..."My name is Daniel and I'm addicted to kiddie porn!" and save us the fuckin trouble. Yeesh!

TGIFuck You

2011-01-07T23:19:00.003-05:00

Today was a rough ass day. And I'm working all weekend. So no TGIF for me. I long for the day I get out of retail....at least far enough that I'm not in a store on a daily basis. But until then...

Geek Squad

2011-01-04T20:50:00.004-05:00

So I was sitting here helping my little brother via cellphone with his homework, finishing up some work-work, and adding entries to my indelicate, yet scintillating blog, when I decided to post today's pic of me in my nerd glasses. Prada bitch.

V is for Vocabulary

California Gurls

2011-01-04T20:03:00.003-05:00

First, there was Vajazzling, and now this.

If you were ever wondering why California Gurls were so fucking unforgettable, it could be because there is a spa in Southern Cali that has started offering a 600 year old Korean treatment known as "chai-yok." In essence, it's a steam bath for the vagina. The treatment itself uses many herbs, including mugwort, which is believed to be an antiseptic that could also help rid your body of toxins. Hmmm....talk about pampering your pussy.

I for one, am jealous as hell. Vaginas are always getting some special treatment like they fucking give life or something. Oh wait...

Regardless, I would like to be able to sit on a pot and have soothing herbal steams and whatnot blow up my ass. I need to look into this. I'm sure Aveda has something I can use.

Beauty Tips

2011-01-03T23:17:00.005-05:00

I was washing my mug and realized I forgot about today's pic. Aveda is the shit. It ain't easy being this fucking pretty.

What's Your Cup Size?

2011-01-02T23:15:00.003-05:00

Ok, growing up around women for most of my life, I unfortunately have seen my fair share of bras and and how cup sizes are measured and whatnot. However, nothing could prepare me for this.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a Ballbra. It is proclaimed by it's manufacturers to not only be comfortable and sexy, but also is said to increase stimulation during sex or masturbation. Fun, huh?

Sizes run in typical underwear-like sizes, or you can be a true "baller" boy and order a custom ballbra by measuring the height and width of your ummm....boys.

I don't know about you, but this sounds like heaven to me. But then again, I've always had a thing for underwear so this is right up my alley. What's say you guys? More importantly, what's your cup size?

Baby I'm a Star

2011-01-02T17:28:00.003-05:00

I love this star hanging on my wall. I don't know why. I Also don't know why I can't get the song "Baby I'm a Star" by Prince out of my head today. Whenever I hear it playing I always do the craziest dances to it. But I guess in combination of the song, the star on my purple wall, Prince being nicknamed "his Royal Purpleness," and the fact that my mother's name is synonymous with one of my favorite colors....I thought that this would be a fitting picture for today.

V is for Violet

Portrait of a Vain Bitch

2011-01-01T22:47:00.003-05:00

Have you ever wanted to take a look at yourself and see how life has affected you over time? At the end of every year there's always someone who says how quickly the year has gone by. "Where did the year go?" Well, to answer that question for me, I'll take a picure of myself every day and post them here for my millions of readers to view in all their glory. LOL.

Yes...I'm a vain bitch. I'll be the first to admit it. If I don't love me, who will? But that's only part of the reasoning behind this project. In addition to wanting more pictures of myself to exist, I want to be able to see the feelings behind the picture. A way of reflecting on the year, so to speak. And it also guarantees that I'll be updating this damn blog at least once a day. So there. Anyhoo...here's pic number one.

V is for Vanity.

Happy New Year!

Too Busy to Live

2010-12-29T00:27:00.004-05:00

There's no doubt about it: I'm a busy bitch. This is mostly due to my line of work...retail is a bitch, especially when you're in management. It seems like my work ethic is different than most people that I know because I find myself busting my ass and being completely exhausted from just a typical day at work. I need a change.

I've missed out on opportunities to hang with friends, enjoying quality time with myself, and just downright living because I'm either working or being too tired to do anything else when I'm not working. Not to also mention that if I'm not tired, nothing in this damn city stays open past 9pm except for clubs. Either way, something has to change.

2010 has been about work, work, work for me. I hope that there will be a little time for play in 2011. I don't expect the work load to get any lighter. In fact, I'm hoping that I would have more "work" opportunities in my day job as well as other projects. However, I do plan on working out my work-life balance. "Sharpening the Saw," if you will. I want to see my friends more, old and new. I want to have a life...and not be "too busy" to live. As busy as I am, I think I may have met my match...but that's another story. For my situation, it's going to take a lot of effort on my part, and a lot of understanding on my friends' part, but I'm ready.

After all....I'll sleep when I'm dead.

AIDS Is No Laughing Matter

2010-11-30T20:39:00.008-05:00

December 1, 2010 marks the 22nd annual World AIDS Day and I wonder when we will finally get to a point where we no longer have to commemorate this day?

This is a day to remember those that have died from AIDS, honor those that are living with AIDS, and be there for those who love or have loved someone affected by this disease. But as I look around, it seems as though HIV and AIDS are more the butt of a joke than anything else. There isn't a day that I look at my Twitter timeline and someone has made an AIDS joke about some celebrity, or anyone who looks or acts a little differently, or who happens to cough a little to loudly. Now don't get me wrong - I am just a guilty as most because God knows I'm more offensive than anyone else I know. But it still makes we wonder...do these people really know about it? Do they have any knowledge about the subject? AIDS is really not a laughing matter.

For those out there that think that it can't happen to you...that you'll never get HIV - THINK AGAIN. I have come across many people who are living with HIV. I know many people personally who are living with HIV and I know of some who lost the battle. But don't think that it's an automatic death sentence. I have some very dear friends who are living very healthy lives that are HIV positive. And let's face it: Some of you have friends too...maybe even lovers, but you may not know it....or they may not know it.

Have you been tested for HIV? Do you use condoms 100% of the time when having sex? Do you know somebody or love somebody who has HIV or AIDS or somebody who is affected by it? This is REAL, people. Millions of people are living with this disease and millions of people are DYING of this disease every year. The only way we can stop it from spreading is by educating ourselves, knowing your status, and protecting ourselves each and every time we have sex. And keep supporting advancements in medicine so that one day, we will have a CURE.

**On a completely different note, Happy Birthday Orlando. :0)

Stamp the Passport

2010-11-09T22:30:00.004-05:00

For some reason, I get the best material to write about by talking to my fellow coworkers, and this is no exception. Before Babyface (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.) quit and moved back to Virginia, he and I were discussing my all time favorite topic - banging chicks (barf) - and he filled me in on a little topic known as "Stamping the Passport."

Basically, when you engage in sexual relations with someone in another country or from another country, you basically get a stamp on your sexport. Talk about Around the World in 80 Fucks.

I'm sure that this operation also works in the ghey community, but really tho WHO keeps track of this shit?

What countries do you have a stamp for? Sound off, whores!

Smells Like Teen Spirit

2010-10-08T20:26:00.003-04:00

Honestly, I don't know of anyone except a freaking pervert who would want to have this ummm....product in their home for daily use, but to each his own.

That's right. You too can smell like a sweaty vagina with VULVA Original! While it's manufacturers are not deeming it a "perfume," it's definitely an erotic feminine scent meant to ignite arousal to those who get a good whiff of it.

It is unclear what is in it and the description "slightly yellow, desirable substance" is kinda scary to me. I myself, am allergic to vagina. I practically broke out in hives when I was born and have never looked back. But by all means, somebody order this shit and tell me how it is!

A Different Type of Vitamin Water

2010-08-31T00:33:00.003-04:00

Have you ever been so pissed off at a co-worker that you thought "I'm gonna jack off into this bitch's bottle of water?"

Yeah, me neither.

But apparantly SOMEBODY must have pissed this guy off in California enough to make him do just that.

Michael Kevin Lallana, of Fullerton, CA has been charged with two misdemeanor counts each of releasing an offensive material in a public place and assault, according to a statement from the Orange County District Attorney's office. Back in January, this dude deposited his man juice into a water bottle that was on a female co-workers desk. She later came back to her desk, drank from the bottle, and threw it away after feeling sick and irritated.

Then, HE DOES IT AGAIN three months later!!! But this time, the woman was smart and sent the bottle of semen-aid to be tested. DNA never lies boo boo.

I've been know for a little office prank, but that shit is disgusting. I smell an office romance that went terribly wrong. Let it be a lesson folks: Your health and sanity ain't worth it for mail-room dick or cubicle pussy. That GOOD-GOOD lies within middle and upper management.

Real Talk v2.0

2010-08-20T21:42:00.003-04:00

As you may or may not recall, last year I did a little personal experiment entitled Real Talk where I gave up all forms of social networking for 30 days. During that time frame I was able to take a breather from the online world and sort of appreciate my many forms of technology and communication methods for what they were.

This year, I decided to do it again. While my reasons last year were more to see if I could ACTUALLY give up Tweeting and everything else for a month, this year is more of a NEED to give it up for a month. There is just certain things that I do not need to say, do, or read vis the internet and I want to be able to miss these things in order to appreciate the technology that I am afforded and not take it for granted. And to be perfectly honest, I'm sick of some of the backhanded, catty, shady, subliminal shit that goes on between friends, enemies, and complete strangers that takes place at everyones fingertips via computer keyboard. (Myself included in all of that)

So here we go again. Real Talk. Version 2.0. For the month of September, there will be no Facebook. No Twitter. I've FINALLY caught up to 2008 and deleted my MySpace. No IMs. No texting. No personal email. You can call me, or you can write me via snail mail.

Instead of doing nothing for 30 days besides working like I did last year. Perhaps I'll add some spontaneity to my month off. Maybe I'll drive to the cape in the middle of the night, just to watch the sunrise, and drive back. Or fly to Bali (Thanks Ms. Gilbert). Or perhaps I'll just take my fat ass to the gym for a change. Who knows. I will do SOMETHING. And I'll probably share with you guys. :0)

Are you a Sexsomniac?

2010-07-10T23:34:00.002-04:00

Have you ever woken up with jizz on your chest? (No, I’m not talking to you Ke-dollarsign-ha) What about waking up to strange clues that you may have engaged in sexual activity the night before, but perhaps don’t remember doing anything before you went to sleep? Well, it may not have been the roofies that were slipped into your drink, but perhaps a more and more common disorder known as sexsomnia.

Sexsomnia, or sleep sex, is a form of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) parasomnia(similar to sleepwalking) that causes people to engage in sexual acts such as masturbation, fondling, sexual intercourse and sexual assault or rape while they are asleep. A recent study of people who were having trouble sleeping found that 1 in 12 of these patients were engaging in sleep sex, and people who have a history of other sleep activities such as sleepwalking or talking in their sleep are more prone to sleep sex episodes.

Pretty harmless, right? Think again.

There have been reports of men injuring themselves during sadistic masturbation acts or humping metal or brick walls. Although more common in men, sexsomnia is a disorder that affects males and females. Isolated reports exist about women who have had sex with strangers during the sleep period. The only way this entity was discovered was the detection of used condoms and semen stains on the bed the morning after the sexual incident. Sexsomnia has even been used as a defense in rape trials.

So besides the deviant, sexual behavior involved, is Sexsomnia dangerous? Could be. Sleep disorders can lead to other conditions such as cardiovascular problems, abnormal immune responses and general metabolic weakness. It is best to seek help from a sleep center or your primary doctor if you feel like this may be happening to you.

So the next time you wake up to a mind-blowing orgasm….remember it may not be just another wet dream.

Is that a knife in your pocket, or are you happy to see me?

2010-06-28T23:28:00.004-04:00

Shit like this you can't make up. Thanks to WMBF News in Myrtle Beach for reporting this.

MYRTLE BEACH, SC (WMBF) - A Myrtle Beach man has been charged after police say he stabbed his roommate on Thursday.

According to a report from Myrtle Beach Police, the 58-year-old victim was attacked after asking his roommate to quiet down while engaging in sexual activity with a woman.

After telling his roommate he was sick of hearing the noise, police say his roommate jumped out of bed and began stabbing the 58-year-old in the hand with a knife. Police say the man ran out of the apartment and alerted neighbors that he had been injured.

The victim sustained stab wounds to his left hand as a result of the altercation.

The man's roommate, later identified as Russell Willis Shepherd Jr., 40, of Myrtle Beach, has since been charged with second degree assault and battery and transported to the Myrtle Beach Jail.

Like seriously, WTF? It wasn't like that guy asked if he could join in or anything. Tell your fucking hooker to keep her porno audition noise to a minimum. Yeesh! I hope homeboy finds a new roomie after he gets out of the hospital.

Eat

2010-06-26T22:53:00.002-04:00

This blog entry has been in my head for quite sometime. I just never knew how to put it into written words. I'm not entirely sure if I even know how to now, which is also part of the problem.

So a couple of weeks ago, I was speaking to a friend of mine, The Poet (I know, the codenames are getting cheesy, but whatever.) and we were just talking about life en general. catching up on what's going on in each other's world via our weekly phone call - because who has time for face-to-face contact these days? Unfortunately, there was nothing new for me to report. I mean, there was work, which happened to be really pissing me off at the time for no particular reason. There was financial stuff, which made me pissed off at work even more. But that was it. Now normally, this wouldn't upset me. I have no life and I've sort of gotten accustomed to that for the time being. But the fact that The Poet was going through a similar situation only made me ponder further what was going on with me.

It's no secret that I have a low tolerance for unnecessary stupidity. However, every little thing was setting me off. From giving directions to people who refuse to read what's in front of their face, to putting up with indoor temperature changes at the Ghetto-ria. I had too much going on in my life and at the same time, not enough.

I was/am in a funk.

And it is a damn shame that it has taken me two consecutive days off to relax enough to figure that part out.

The way that I'm feeling now makes me think about Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love." And while it is true that the book speaks to me in a different way that it spoke to me when I first read it, the overall theme of "living your own life" is still loud and clear to me. This summer, the book will be brought to live in film. "Eat, Pray, Love" will star Julia Roberts and if the movie is half as good as the book, then I may end up....well, just check out the trailer below:

One line from that that stood out to me is when she says she wants to "marvel at something." I SO want that. If I could get away with packing up my car and driving away and never coming back I swear I would do it like....now. I know that the title is "Eat, Pray, Love" but I swear all I wanna do is eat. I don't wanna pray. I don't wanna love. I just want to EAT. I want to eat an entire pot of pasta (which I almost did today), I want to eat life...consuming everything around me and somehow making it part of a new me as I travel on.

As for the other two parts, I'm sure I'll get there eventually. First I just need to get out of this funk.

Pride - A Contradiction in the Term Itself

2010-06-07T20:01:00.005-04:00

Well folks, June is here and for most people of the gay communities in these United States, that means that Pride is coming up. The story is no different in Boston as I'm seeing all sorts of flyers and whatnot about the different Pride-themed events leading up to the "Big" parade on Saturday. Because these series of events is indeed a part of "Pride" week, you would think that there would be a little bit more unity and sense of "pride" in our gay communities. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

Here's my take on the divide I'm seeing:

"Anti-gay" gays - I get it. The gay scene is NOT your thing. But the sheer fact that you like to either give it or take it up the ass is all you need to show a little respect to those who do enjoy the scene. I'm not talking about doing drugs in the back of the club or hooking up in the bathrooms (because believe it or not, that happens at the str8 clubs too). I'm talking about the normal scene, with the same awful electronic mixes of "Single Ladies" and everything Gaga. People like it. People love it. More power to em. I like to dance to the awful shit when I go out. But I actually have more respect for those who say, "Not really my scene," than those who show such disdain and downright HATE for anything remotely gay, whether it's clubs, music, tv, or whatever. Seriously, go suck a dick.

"Super" gays - This is where I may sound a little contradictory. Guys, get over yourselves. Really. Respect must be given if you expect to receive it back. There is a very distinct difference between being open with your sexuality (or FLAUNTING it) and just being disrespectful about it. That means no unwanted sexual advances, no anti-hetero remarks, etc. While it is true that I tend to wear my sexuality on my sleeve sometimes (My walls are painted purple for Pete's sake!) I do not FORCE my sexuality upon others. This is how I have gained respect from peers and str8 counterparts. They love my FLAMIN' hot ass! And let the fucking Bi guys play softball with your queeny asses. They will only help the game, I'm sure. Where's the inclusiveness and acceptance there?

So this week, as the weird costumes get dusted off and re-glittered, let's keep in mind that yes, we should have a gay ol' time. But respect gets respect. Prove why we deserve the rights we've worked so hard to get by acting like humans and not animals.

Let the hateful comments commence...

Just in time for Father's Day

2010-05-18T19:53:00.004-04:00

I must thank my good friend, Haitian Goddess (again, a codename), for presenting me with this little treat to share with you guys.

Guys, have you ever been alone, having some well deserved....."me" time, and thought, "Hey, I'm sick of my own hand jerking me off. What can I do?" Until now, my answer would be to either get a life, get a wife, or get a hooker. But now I have a LOVELY alternative to those three things.

Introducing the Kayden Kross Hand Job Sex Toy!!!

Nicknamed "The Stroker," this little trinket features the hand of pornstar Kayden Kross, who recently gave an Oscar-worthy performance as Elin Nordegren in the Epic film, "Tiger's Wood." Basically, it's a hand that is wrapped around a thin layer of plastic that you slip your junk into and go to town.

I personally don't see the point of this. It's either my hand, or someone else's hand. No need for a fake hand to help me get off especially if I have to use MY HAND to hold this fake hand. But to each it's own. Snatch one up for your dad this Father's Day. You're welcome Dad!!!

Relax, It's Just Sex

2010-05-08T00:26:00.003-04:00

It's no secret that most of my blog topics are sexually related. I actually go out of my way to find some of the weirdest shit possible to talk about on here. People have asked me before why I choose sex as my main topic for this site. My question is, "Why not?"

In America, sex is such a taboo topic among a lot of people. Unlike many European countries, where its residents are more open to more dialogue about sexuality, people are so tight-lipped here it's almost sickening. I think because people are too afraid to talk about sex, people are therefore uneducated about certain....effects of sex. Promiscuity, living on the "down low," unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases are all on the rise, and while I don't have exact statistics, I am pretty confident that our European counterparts aren't experiencing the same level of increases.

I think that we need to talk about sex more. No, I don't mean ho shit. I mean genuine, conversations about human sexuality in general. We need more dialogue. We need more education. We also need to be less judgemental of the topic. That's where the education part comes in. We have the power to teach each other an incredible amount of information if we put aside our inhibitions and just talk.

As far as this blog goes, I will continue to educate people on the stupidity of society. I like my weird and sometimes funny entries. I mean, somebody's gotta report on it. But you get my point. As my homegirls Salt n Pepa once said, "Let's talk about sex baby!"

This. Shit. Right. Here.

2010-04-26T23:01:00.005-04:00

I was at work the other day talking to Ink (codename) about random shit and she brought up something that I swear I should have heard of such a long time ago. So I did a little research. Ah...the power of Google....

Ladies, have you ever looked down at your va-jay-jay and thought, "How can I drive more attention down there?"

I have a solution for you: VAJAZZLING!!!

Yes, dust off that hot glue gun that's been sitting in the basement, whip out those rhinestones and glitter, and give your Vagine the Bling it so deserves. The more bling and the more creative the design - the better. There is even a panel of judges waiting to see and critique your Lady part's new jewelery. Rate My Vajazzle is like the social network for pussy crowns and if your snatch can make it there, it can make it anywhere.

I think my stock in Michael's just went up.

She Really I$ a Dirty Whore

2010-04-24T23:19:00.004-04:00

It's no secret: I'm not a fan of KE dollar sign HA.

She's talentless, she looks like a homeless bum, and she smells. Not to mention she has the worst attitude on the face of the planet. But here's another reason to love her: She wears placenta on a necklace.

"'I'm into energy. I recently went to see a past-life regressionist, who is also a psychic. I wear my placenta around my neck every day, because it's supposed to give you second sight. I feel like I've had many lifetimes before."

Really tho? Did you ever take a bath in one of those previous lifetimes, KE dollar sign HA?

She goes on in some dumbass interview addressing her image as a "Party Girl."

"I have been working on realising this dream, my path, my mission, for years. I've really invested a lot of thought, time and effort into it. I think it's a bummer when people don't represent that properly, when they portray me as purely one-dimensional."

Sweetie, your wear a dead pussy around your neck. Get a fucking clue. Wash your ass. And make a song that doesn't sound like all your other songs and then maybe people will care.

Ciara's Pussy Poppin Video

2010-04-21T17:27:00.004-04:00

Ciara premiered the video for her latest single, "Ride." Check it out:

I'm not impressed. Everyone is talking about how great the "choreography" is. All she is doing is poppin her pussy and spreading it across the floor. If she were to do the video over again I guarantee it wouldn't have the exact same "choreography" as before.

Yes, the bitch can dance. We know that. To me, she looked much better in the "Go Girl" video. Her body was better looking then. To me, she looks frail in this video.

But that's just MY humble ass opinion. I'm sure most of you bitches like it. So fuck my opinion.

Porn for the Soul

2010-04-18T18:41:00.003-04:00

So a while back, when the TV show Glee first premiered, I was watching it with Deuce and he just saw this big GOOFY grin on my face. And he goes, "This is like PORN for you, isn't it?"

Flash forward....

Yes, people. They're making a Glee porno flick. And the above footage is by far some of the best renditions of the Star Spangled Banner since Whitney at the Super Bowl.

Nothing says Show Choir like a big orgy. Sometimes it takes a big dick to make you hit those high notes. These women need it. Except for homegirl singing the Mexican national anthem. She was pretty good.

Keri Hilson, eat your heart out!

I Can't...

2010-04-16T22:49:00.002-04:00

So some dude was arrested and pled guilty for having sex with a donkey. Isn't that how AIDS came about? Or was it a monkey? I don't know. I don't care. If I was that donkey I would've fought back and fucked HIM in the ass.

How you like them apples?

Male Prostitute Quits

2010-03-30T21:50:00.004-04:00

Well it looks like America's first legal male prostitute has quit his day job. Markus Destin has decided to resign from his post at the Shady Lady Ranch in rural Nevada due to a lack of customers....less than 10 customers...

The owners of the ranch, Jim and Bobbi Davis, have already hired a replacement, but hinted that Destin may return at some point. While their main focus (and moneymaker) is women who have sex with men, they have stated that they will pursue the idea of male prostitutes a little while longer.

Hmmmm....

In my opinion, there are a few reasons this business arrangement didnt' work out between Markus and the Shady Lady.

One, he expressed that he only wanted to have women clientelle and not have sex with men. I don't know of many women who would pay for sex. There are enough horny men out there for them to flash their pussies to and fuck for free. Unfortunately for Mr. Destin, he probably would have made more money if he was "gay for pay."

Two, this guy isn't what I would call "income worthy," meaning if I were to pay someone for sex, it wouldn't be him. Take a look at this:

His face looks retarded and his dick looks....unhealthy. Don't nobody want that wrinkly shit. I like a nice pretty penis...especially if I'm paying for it. Beggers can't be choosy, but you best believe I'd be getting my hard-earned money's worth.

Gimmie this guy:

DAMN!!!

Fuck the Red Cross

2010-01-15T10:41:00.004-05:00

Let me preface this by saying I am truly sorry about what is going on in Haiti, and I will find other means of supporting them.

I recently received a letter from the American Red Cross asking me to send a monitary donation for whatever relief efforts they claimed to be supporting at the time or to stop by a local blood bank and donate blood. As a result, I Tweeted a comment about them that resulted in numerous dialogues between myself and virtual strangers....and also brought back a flood of memories that I had once forgotten.

It was the year 2000 and my first week as a College Freshman. I was away from my hometown of Detroit and exploring new horizons at my school in Orangeburg, South Carolina. I was an adult, independent, ready to take on the world. There was a Blood Drive on campus and I figured that I would do the responsible thing and donate some of my blood. I mean, as their slogan at the time said, the life that I save could be my own. :0)

The Blood drive was fairly busy, which I expected, and I waited patiently for my turn to donate. Of course there was a questionaire, which I have refered to since then as THE questionaire. Anywhoo, I fill out the questionaire and hand it to the lovely, seemingly nice lady on the other side of the table and mentally prepare myself for the sight of blood being pumped from my very own veins.

What happened next is probably the most embarassing and humiliating thing that has ever happened to me....EVER...

The lady looked at my questionaire...THE questionaire...like I had drawn Nazi symbols all over it. Then she told me, as cold-hearted as she possibly could, that I would not be able to give blood. Why? Because I am "a male who has had sex with another male since 1977, even once." Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, I'm a gay male, who has had sex with men, since 1977 (I was BORN in 1982). Then I was escorted out of the blood drive location because of fears that I would cause a scene. I would have. I was shocked, totally embarassed, and I wanted to cry.

The worst part about it is the fact that was no empathy whatsoever. There was no "I'm sorry, but unfortunately FDA guidelines...." No "I wish we could, but..." No nothing, but the impression of "You're gay, therefore you have AIDS, and we don't want your disease-ridden blood."

Flashforward to the other day, and the conversations that I had with these people whom I have never met. It was almost the same thing all over again, except they were a little nicer. But were still trying to justify the reasoning. I was told that people are prohibited from giving blood for sleeping with prostitutes and sharing needles. While that may be true, the fact of the matter is that as long as they refrain from that activity for i year before donating blood, then they're allowed to do so. So according to my calculations, a hetersexual male can have unprotected sex with a different female prostitute every day of his life and then share needles with 20 different people, and as long as he stops doing that for a year, then he can donate blood. But if I have protected sex with another HIV negative male, test negative every six months, and become abstinate for 10 years, I'm still prohibited from donating blood. Does that make sense? What sickens me the most is that it's been almost ten years after that incident, and 25 years after the archaic clause was placed on THE questionare, and nothing has changed. I've had this discussion with several of my gay friends. Some of them told me that they donated blood after lying on THE questionaire. Fuck that. I'm not lying on any form just so an organization who practices blatent institutionalized homophobia can suck the blood out of me....literally.

So fuck you, Red Cross. Take my name off your mailing list. You don't want my blood, therefore you don't get my money.

Rotten Condoms

2009-11-16T00:24:00.002-05:00

Just in case you thought China was just good for lead-painted toys

Authorities have shut down a factory in central China that was producing fake and non sterile condoms and they are trying to track down over two million of the rotten condoms that have already been sold across the country. The peckerhead prophylactics were believed to be sold under numerous brands and police say that the suspect bought the condoms wholesale, then added an unknown lubricant and repackaged them WITHOUT sterilizing them.

And of course, there were underaged girls allegedly working at the factory.

This is a hot ass mess. China already stole all the Gold Medals in the Olympics and now they wanna kill off the population with dirty condoms. Why not just find a way to put the AIDS virus in their rice and call it a day?

Sorry Ya'll

2009-11-16T00:23:00.001-05:00

I just realized I haven't blogged in a while.....sorry. Let's change that now.

Best News All Day

2009-09-29T23:09:00.004-04:00

I must have been caught up in all the 9/11 anniversary blah blah blah because this lovely little dollop of a story flew right past me...

Apparantly, two men in Fort Smith, Arkansas have been arrested for playing porno DVDs on the display TVs at.....Walmart.

This is a damn shame. First there was the MILF in California who fucked her daughter's friends in the parking lot, and now this. What is Walmart coming to these days?

Remember way back when all they had to worry about was covering up their sweatshop operations. Now they can't even control their own rednecks in the US of A. How dreadful!

The Hell

2009-09-29T22:42:00.004-04:00

So I was forced by Deuce to sit through the season premier of The Hills. Now I have avoided this show for five seasons, and its predacessor, Laguna Biotch, for a reason. That reason being I didn't want my eyes or eardrums to bleed. So it should come as no surprise that my opinion of the show is that it sucks balls. Big ones.

However, in every dark cloud, there is a silver lining: Kristin Cavallari.

She's a total bitch, and frankly I loved every second on her on-screen time. Everyone else, I wanted to shoot in the face. I mean....seriously....Heidi and Spencer are beyond annoying. Audrina and Stephanie are dumb cunts, and Brody is a douche. But Kristin is watchable. I think that MTV made a wise choice with bringing her into the mix, and I'm sure they're reaping the benefits in the form of skyrocketing ratings.

If I can manage to keep my dinner down next week, I MAY tune in again. However, Heidi's voice is enough to make me sell my dog for drug money so I'd be too high to pay attention anymore. Thank God Spencer doesn't want any kids.

It's on Bitch!

VMA Updates...by the minute

2009-09-13T20:15:00.049-04:00

The 2009 MTV Video Music Awards are on tonight....which is ironic because MTV doesn't air music videos anymore. But regardless, I'm here to give all of my non-readers an up to the minute update of the hot messes on the red carpet and throughout the awards show. I would be tweeting....but I'm still fasting from that.

11:30 This is it....goodnight everybody!!!

11:28 Somebody needs to kick Lil Mama off the damn stage. Literally. Kick her.

11:25 You better work those sequined pants bitch!

11:22 I'm living for Alicia Keys on that damn piano. MTV's cinematography is awfully dramatic right now for this intro.

11:14 Beyaki wins "Video of the Year!" Very classy of her to let Taylor come out and give her acceptance speech. Lady Gaga is stealing my heart right now with all her different-ness.

11:02 I'm so scurred watching Pink's performance right now. Don't fall bitch!

10:59 Lady Gaga's acceptance speech was awesome!

10:58 Where is Sherri Shepard to keep Tracy Morgan in check?

10:51 Kid Cudi is performing on the reject stage. How dreadful!

10:49 Looks like Eminem is signing a contract to the the next MAC spokesmodel.

10:40 If Tracy Morgan really wants to win "Best New Artist," then he needs to record "Don't be Tardy for the Party!!!"

10:37 Damn....MTV couldn't give them the main stage to perform on. I don't know who this band is, but they're pretty good.

10:34 T.I. wins "Best Male Video." Don't drop the soap boo...

10:25 Beyonce just shut it down!!! Where my ring at?

10:20 Beyonce is bringing the drama with her on stage.

10:19 I think I wanna see the new Twilight movie....I guess I need to see the first one.

Kristen Stewart looks horrible with dark hair.

10:16 Pitbull must be drunk because he forgot the words to his chorus.

10:06 Green Day is performing....not my cup of red Kool-Aid, but they have the audience on their feet, which is better than last years yawn-fest that MTV put on.

10:05 Not feeling Megan Fox's outfit.

10:04 Congrats Brit...MTV still owes you BIG!

10:00 Lady Gaga is a FUCKING weirdo! LMFAO!!!!!

9:53 The bitch is dead, but her glowsticks live on!

9:51 She's got some serious Cameltoe goin on. But I like it!

9:49 Lady Gaga is giving me Phantom of the Opera Cunt Dramatics!

9:42 Taylor swift's "Subway" performance was totally fake and Green-Screened until she stepped outside. Were they just getting ready to roll tape again? Oops!

9:36 I could care less about the "Best Rock Video" award....I just hope there won't be another outbust from Kanye over who wins this one.

9:34 Ugh....I can't STAND Jack Black. What an unfunny bastard.

9:25 Kanye West is an ASSHOLE....but he was right.

9:24 Taylor Swift beats Beyonce? I'm changing the channel...

9:23 Cheesy dialogue...just hand out the damn trophy already!

9:14 I would hate to be Katy Perry right now, having to perform after that tribute. But her outfit is cute tho. Somebody tell me why Russell Brand is hosting again...

9:13 Janet just KILLED it!!!

9:07 Long live the KING!!!

9:05 I am LOVING this bitch's speech right now...

9:00 Awww....look at Madge. She looks pretty for a old tranny. Did she just throw shade at Joe Jackson?

Showtime!!!!

8:58 Award is presented for Best Video that Sucked the first time it was nominated....to the Beastie Boys for Sabotage.

8:56 Who are you?

8:55 Queen Creole has arrived. Excuse me...you're in my way!

8:51 J.Lo looks amazing! Love the dress! You better plug that album girl...

8:48 Bitch you are late. I knew they had on the same dress as soon as Pink stepped on the scene.

8:46 This girl is cute....but in the words of Mariah Carey, "I don't know who that is."

8:40 MTV shows it's first music video since 2008.

8:39 The cast of Fame hit the red carpet. I can't wait for the movie, but they look a hot mess.

8:38 Cobra Starship? arrives on the red carpet via Grey Line tour bus. Classy.

I wish Whitney would show up. But that's asking a little too much from her right now. Oh well. I have Oprah tomorrow...

8:31 Alicia Keys looks beautiful. It's refreshing to see a well spoken black person on TV besides the President. Her speaking voice relaxes me. She should record a book on tape.

8:29 Dirty Water...I mean Dirty Money just hit the red carpet. I think I officially hate Diddy. I wonder if Dawn is getting a check yet.

8:28 Only on Verizon can you record such a shitty video. Can you hear me now?

8:26 Does Taylor Swift think she's Cinderella or something?

8:22 Those kids were cute with their routine. That disaster interviewing them, however, was not.

8:19 Who is this old guy?

8:17 Some little boy hits the red carpet. I don't know who he is. But he's wearing a Calvin Klein suit, fresh off the rack at Marshalls.

8:14 Lady Gaga hits the red carpet with Kermit the Frog as her date. You didn't hear? They're fucking now. Ms. Piggy must've put her in that neck brace, feathers and all.

8:11 Pink shows up...wearing the same dress as Shakira. Oops!

Let's Go Streaking in Antarctica!

2009-09-12T22:37:00.002-04:00

So Deuce and I went to go see the new Kate Beckinsale movie, "Whiteout" today. Overall, it was a pretty good movie, but one of the first things that stood out for me in the movie had little to do with the plot whatsoever.

In the first few minutes of the film, it shows the outside of the base where most of the movie takes place and as Kate's character is walking into the building, there is a group of guys running out of the building nude. They were streaking. In Antarctica.

Kinda puts a whole new meaning to the phrase, "Cold as balls" huh?

Regardless, once a saw the frozen dicks go by, I immediately thought, "I wanna do that!!!" So now, there is one more impossible goal on my list of things to accomplish before I'm dead. I will go streaking in Antarctica...

Who's with me?

Shoutout to the Virgos

2009-09-04T23:32:00.004-04:00

Happy Belated Birthday Mom!!!!!

You must be happy to live long enough to see your kids grown up, especially to see your first born son become the man you always wanted him to be....

Then again, just be grateful that I'm not on drugs, can take care of myself, and don't have any crazy baby mama's banging on your door. Love you mommie!

Lizard Sets Penis Free

2009-09-04T23:23:00.003-04:00

I really need to be Tweeting about this right now...

Courtesy of newslite.tv:

A man who appeared in court accused of flashing his penis at a female train guard has walked free, thanks to a tattoo on his manhood.

Hartlepool magistrates court had been told how 28-year-old Barry Kenny had drunkenly displayed his willy during a train journey from Newcastle to Hartlepool.

But the woman had not mentioned any "distinguising marks" on the penis and Barry has a two inch long lizard tattoo running along his penis.

As a result his solicitor was able to get the charges dropped, but only after Barry offered to show his willy to magistrates.

Before being reminded he was under oath Barry had wanted to claim the tattoo was seven inches long.

That lizard could have been seven inches long....if he were in a dark alley outside of a gay club. Things do look bigger than they actually are when you're drunk/high/horny/unconscious. I'm just saying....

Real Talk

2009-08-25T00:16:00.001-04:00

I’ve been thinking about this for a while.

Technology is a wonderful thing, and the Internet has allowed us to meet, connect, and reconnect with friends and family all over the world. However, I’ve become slightly disenfranchised with the whole concept of always being accessible and taking away some of the personal aspects of day to day conversations with people. The Internet and other forms of technology have been as much of an interruption of my daily life as it is a convenience. So I’m turning it off for a while.

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I’m using the Internet to tell the world that I’m sick of it. But like I said, it IS convenient. And I can reach more people faster using this channel than any other. So yes, I’m using this as my way of communicating to all of you.

Ladies, gentlemen, and undecided, I present to you…an experiment that I’d like to call, “Real” Talk.

For 30 days, the entire month of September to be exact, I will not be logging onto any social networking sites. No Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, or any other site. I won’t be logging onto any Instant Messaging programs. No Yahoo Messenger, AIM, MSN. I will only respond to work or business related emails. No Gmail, AOL, Hotmail, or Yahoo. And probably the most difficult thing that I will do without for 30 days is texting. I will still be accessible to those who call my cell phone and I’ll still write letters via Snail Mail.

So to sum it all up, no Tweets, Wall posts, or bulletins. No personal emails. No SMS, MMS, BBMs, IMs, or any other short term lingo that doesn’t include phone calls or letters. If my friends or family need to reach me, they need to do it the old fashioned way. “Real” Talk. I’ll still use the internet to keep track of news events and I’ll continue to update Red Steam, since I like finding weird shit to write about.

Hopefully, at the end of this experiment, I will accomplish a few things. One, the fact that I can make it 30 days without all these things. Two, that I will have a new appreciation for these things and not take them for granted. Three, that my friends and family have the ability to adapt to the “old school” methods of communication.

If you have my number or address, use it. If not, get it from someone who does. :0)

The Color Purple

2009-08-17T18:58:00.003-04:00

"You told Harpo to beat me?"

Not exactly the color purple that I had in mind, but rather the context that I use it on a daily basis.

For anyone who knows me in real life, you may notice from time to time I may don the phrase, "Mmmm...purple!" You may wonder what it means or where the hell did it come from. Now I shouldn't be sharing such private information on here, but since no one reads this shit anyway I'll tell you. First, a little education on the definition of purple:

Noun
1. a colour between red and blue
2. cloth of this colour, often used to symbolize royalty or nobility
3. the official robe of a cardinal

Adjective
1. of a colour between red and blue
2. (of writing) excessively elaborate: purple prose [Greek porphura the purple fish (murex)]

Red Steam
1. Referring to a person of the male species whom is physically attractive.

Yes, it is my semi-discreet way of informing my buddies of some eye-candy within a 50-foot range. I know it's silly, but it beats "Ooooo SHIT, look at HIM!!!!" So there.

So where did it come from? Well, truthfully the phrase has evolved over several manefestations into the catchphrase that is used by me today, but here is the original coinage, from a Dave Chappelle stand up routine. Pay attention close to the end and you'll notice that the "grape drink" in question and I are composed of the same ingredients.

Purple Power baby!!!!

My, that's a mighty muscular vagina you have!

2009-07-26T18:07:00.007-04:00

And you thought those exercises that Karen Walker taught you wouldn't pay off....

A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles. Tatiata Kozhevnikova of Novosibirsk, aged 42, has been exercising her intimate muscles for fifteen years, and has already made her entrance into the Guinness Book of Records as the possessor of the world’s strongest vagina.

“After I had a child, my intimate muscles got unbelievably weak. I read books on Dao and learned that ancient women used to deal with this problem using wooden balls,” she said. “I looked around, saw a Murano glass ball and inserted it in my vagina. It took me ages to get it out!”

Well she doesn't have to worry about that now. Her balls (hehe) are now custom made!

“You insert one of the balls in your vagina, and it has a string attached to it with a little hook at the very end. You fix a second ball onto this hook.”

As you know, Russian women are into some freaky shit. So she recommends a puss-of-steel workout on the regular as well as daily vodka douching. “It’s enough to exercise your vagina five minutes a day, ladies, and in just one week you’ll be able to give yourself and your man unforgettable pleasure in bed,” she says.

Check out these Kodak moments!

RIP: E. Lynn Harris

2009-07-25T09:45:00.003-04:00

I'm very saddened to report that one of my favorite authors, E. Lynn Harris, passed away on Thursday night while on a business trip to LA. He was truly an inspiration to the Black Gay community and I've read almost every book he's written.

I remember back in 1999, I was fresh out the closet and I read "Invisible Life" for the first time. And I cried like a little baby because it was the first time that I related to something that was being written. I was hooked and was playing catch up and reading the other books he had written as part of the series.

You will be missed, Mr. Harris, but your writing will live on forever.

Momma, Iz a Virgin!

2009-07-12T21:16:00.003-04:00

Ladies, has all the whoring around when you were 13 or 14 starting to catch up with you? Did you tell your man that you were saving yourself for marriage, knowing your snatch is as loose as Kirstie Alley's skinny jeans on Nicole Richie? Or have you finally realized that the best way out of a recession is to auction off your non-existent virginity to the highest bidder on Ebay? Well, I have got THE product for you:

It's an Artificial Virginity Hymen! (Applause)

No more worry about losing your virginity. With this product, you can have your first night back anytime. Insert this artificial hymen into your vagina carefully. It will expand a little and make you feel tight. When your lover penetrate, it will ooze out a liquid that look like blood not too much but just the right amount. Add in a few moans and groans, you will pass through undetectable. Its easy to use, clinically proven non-toxic to human and has no side effects, no pain to use and no allergic reaction.

I can almost imagine all the pregnant virgins roaming the streets of Woburn now...

Top or Bottom?

2009-07-05T23:48:00.003-04:00

A friend and I were having a discussion last week about gay men being able to be friends with each other without knowing every single detail about their sexuality. I hadn’t given it much thought before, but I can think of several occasions over the years (mainly in Detroit, gotta love my people) where I’ve been asked the same question by my fellow homo-zestual brethren: “Top or bottom?”

WTF?

Why do you need to know that? We ain’t fuckin, and ain’t gon EVER fuck. So why do you need to know such information within the first 10 minutes of meeting me? Even if there was an inkling of attraction between us two and were considering dating each other, that question is best saved for….not right after “Hi, my name is….”
Now I admit, I do share some things with my closest friends. I mean, I gotta have someone to tell my secrets to. So because I feel so close to my 2.5 readers out there, I’ll share this little secret with you….

Regarding the question at hand, I am…..Sasha Fierce! :0)

Goodnight Everybody!

100% Classy

2009-05-26T22:31:00.003-04:00

This woman is taking MILF to a whole new level.

Police say Deborah Lee Towe had sex with her daughter's friends (as young as 15), in a Walmart parking lot, an elementary school parking lot, and her home. Towe allegedly told police, "I felt young. I missed all those years," according to Redding.com. Towe supposedly thought that by having sex with her daughter friends, they'd be less likely to try to have sex with her 15-year-old daughter.

Ain't she sexy?

I mean, her daughter is 15 and this took place in Shasta County, California, but doesn't she look like a 25 year old from Woburn who has had a hard life filled with meth and heroin? My heart goes out to Miss Deborah Lee and I'm gonna dedicate my new book, "Chicken Tetrazzini for the Mother's Soul," to her and her cause.

That reminds me....I need to get to Walmart soon to restock toilet paper and dryer sheets.

Self-Cleaning Vaginas?

2009-05-13T18:57:00.002-04:00

Listen up ladies! An anonomous source told me that when he was watching the world-renowned Oprah Winfrey show, her special guest was none other than "Dr." Oz. The topic of the day? (Deep Voice)VAGINA!!!!

Oprah was asking Dr. Oz if women should use a little Summer's Eve to cleanse the clitoris. His response was no and that vaginias "are like a self cleaning oven."

I beg to differ, Dr. Oz. There are some smelly cunts walking around this world with even smellier va-jay-jays attached to them. Like what the hell? If they are so "self cleaning," what's with the funk?

It was at this point that I decided to do a little research. According to the big "O" website (ya'll know who I'm talking about), I read the full article:

Dr. Oz says the vagina is a "self-cleaning oven," and you shouldn't douche to stay clean. "You have your own bacteria in there. They're for you. You're supposed to have them there. When you wipe them out with a vinegar douche, then you're left with repopulating it with whatever happens to be nearby. It may not be what's best for you," he says.

Douching, Dr. Oz says, may even make you more likely to have some problems, such as ectopic pregnancies and infections that can cause infertility. "It's a big problem. That's why I don't think there's any really good reason to douche. Period," Dr. Oz says.

Keeping the vagina clean externally is important, and Dr. Oz says you should always wipe front to back to prevent urinary tract infections. And if you are worried about something in that area, you should go to a doctor and get treatment—Dr. Oz says that covering up problems with a douche won't solve anything.

So there you have it ladies. Wash your snatches on the regular...but leave the vinegar in the kitchen.

Another reason to hate Woburn

2009-05-09T20:46:00.005-04:00

After a mediocre day at work yesterday, I decided to unwind and go out for booze and a movie with my roomie. So we're on the way to Chili's for margaritas and we're driving along I-93 Northbound, having a good time, when all of a sudden the truck in front of me slams on the brakes. So logically, I do the same thing, but my car doesn't stop in time and I hit the damn Jeep in front of me. Their car is virtually unscathed while my baby looks like this:

I know what you're thinking. At least nobody got hurt. Bullshit. I'd rather somebody got hurt than my car be wrecked the way it was. This fucking accident would not have happened if the stupid bitch 3 cars ahead of me didn't slam on her fucking brakes for NO DAMN REASON causing a chain reaction with me being the fourth and final car.

Police arrive on the scene and do NOTHING but say that the scene is two separate accidents (2nd car hitting the first car, 4th car hitting the third) and we should just file claims with our insurance company, which automatically means that I am at fault even though the first cunt caused everything. I ask the Trooper (don't dare call a MA State Policeman an "Officer") if there was going to be a report. He replies to just contact the insurance company and when they ask the location of the accident, we're just crossing into Woburn, MA....

BITCH!!!!

Tales from the Steamroom: Mohegan Sun

2009-05-05T21:56:00.003-04:00

So my roomate came up with this brilliant idea of going to Mohegan Sun for a day of drinks, gambling, and massages. Mention anything involving booze, and I'm there!

Now, I haven't had many professional massages before, but each time I had one, it was always a male masseuse. I'm just funny that way. But this time, there was a female who was giving me the much needed rubdown. So as the massage begins, I'm trying to relax, clear my head, all that Zen shit people practice to get the most of their time on that table. But for some reason, I couldn't focus on relaxing! I don't know what it was....maybe because I was sick the night before...maybe because I was ready for a drink...I don't know. But I had some of the most random thoughts running through my mind, including:

She's rubbing awfully close to my buttcrack...I wonder if she likes my tattoo...Is that a boob on my forehead?...I'm glad the oil she's using isn't cold....I wonder if I won Becky's weekly giveaway...I don't wanna go back to work...???...I must've relaxed a little there because I don't remember her moving to this arm...hehe, that tickles a little....

And then, times up.

But I must say, that was a pretty damn good massage!

Obsessed

2009-04-26T23:27:00.005-04:00

If you haven't had the pleasure of checking out the Child of Destiny's new movie, Obsessed, you need to. I was pleasantly surprised at how good of a movie it was, despite that awful wig Beyonce had to wear.

My only issue was with Ms. Ali Larter's methods. She done flashed her little bra and panties set and went completly coo-coo for Idris Elba's cocoa puffs. Ali, you are not from Woburn, MA and you could've saved all the psycho shit for Heroes. Everybody knows all you need to steal someone's husband is some Chicken Tetrazzini.....and maybe a pitcher of Kool-Aid.

A Golden Farewell

2009-04-26T00:48:00.002-04:00

I was at work when I got the call. My favorite Golden Girl, Bea Arthur, had passed away on Saturday at the age of 86.

She apparantly had cancer and died peacefully in her Los Angeles home.

I love this woman. She was never short of a witty line and no matter what people say....SHE made that show the success it was.

We love you Bea. Give Estelle Getty a hug for me.

Sluts 101: How to Steal a Man

2009-04-14T20:11:00.002-04:00

Now normally, if a skank bitch wanted to steal her friend's man, she would do some off the wall type of hoe shit, like blowing him in the kitchen while the girlfriend is peeing in the bathroom or showing up at his apartment for a late night booty call among other things. But apparently the quickest way to a man's heart (and his dick) is through his stomach.

Exhibit A:

Now....I have been known to do some strange things for food, especially if it's free food. However, I didn't think Black people even ate Chicken Tetrazzini. Did you look at these women? And the skanky chef was trying to steal THAT?!?!?! But if you ain't black Barbie, I guess you can't expect Death Row Ken to be your knight in shining teeth. Hey, God can't give you everything, so if you don't have the looks, class, or sexual prowess.....you better make some BOMB ASS CHICKEN TETRAZZINI!!!!

When Animals Attack...

2009-04-07T23:26:00.003-04:00

This is exactly why I don't mess with wild animals...

A FEISTY raccoon has bitten off a pervert’s PENIS as he was trying to rape the animal.
Alexander Kirilov, 44, was on a drunken weekend with pals when he leapt on the terrified – but toothy – fur ball.
“When I saw the raccoon I thought I’d have some fun,” he told stunned casualty surgeons in Moscow.
Now Russian plastic surgeons are trying to restore his mangled manhood.
“He’s been told they can get things working again but they can’t sew back on what the raccoon bit off," said a pal.
“That’s gone forever so there isn’t going to be much for them to work with."

There are some sick, sick people in the world. I usually like the crazy type, but this is too much for me. His dick must have been a solid 2 inches for him not to be able to score human pooty-tang. Serves him right...No means no!

The Gym...Not Just for Working Out Anymore!!!

2009-04-02T11:06:00.003-04:00

In an attempt to achieve physical sexiness (I’ve got a long way to go), I’ve purchased a cheapo membership to a local gym (Planet Fitness for you stalkers out there). Since joining, I’ve had the amusement of answering several questions about my particular motivations for deciding to work out at a gym. I suppose that I should take my homosexual stereotypes of sleazy rendezvous in the steam room in stride the same way I do with my obsession with fried chicken because of my skin color (put some hot sauce on that shit….DAMN!). However, it’s funny how MANY people I’ve talked to about this who have the same questions: Am I going to the gym to work out…or hook up?

Now, for most of my gay life, I’ve heard the stories of the taboo “Gym hookup.” But it was my understanding that the hookup was secondary to the primary purpose, which was actually working out. But in recent days, it seems as though working out has been placed on the back-burner and the ever-evolving hookup is now the primary focus of those frequenting the gym…..or at least that is what my co-workers, friends, and close relatives (ew) are leading me to believe.

Me personally, I would never try it for a couple of reasons. One, I’m trying to achieve physical sexiness and I’ve got about 15 pounds of gut to lose before I can start pole dancing for facelift money. Two, I’d be too chicken shit scared of getting caught. Three, have you ever attempted anal sex in the shower? It hurts. But to each his own. If that’s how you wanna spend precious free time, go ahead.

My question is, how often have you heard about it? Is it just a gay thing? Is the gym really not just for working out anymore? I would love to hear from some hetero-folk to see how many stories are out there.

I’m off to the gym!

Weirdness

2009-03-20T19:04:00.002-04:00

So because I had nothing else better to do, I decided to Google crazy sex laws in Massachusetts.

Now I thought I was gonna find some off the wall crazy shit....but I didn't. However, I did find a few things that made made me go.."What the fuck?"

For instance, oral sex is ILLEGAL in Massachusetts. Are you kidding me? 90% of gay sex is oral! Is this some sick way of locking up all the homos?

Also, it is illegal for a man's erection to show through his clothing. By this standard, a lot of adolescent boys (and some ready freaky weirdo grown-ups) should be put away for a few years.

But the craziest of them all had to have been this one: At a rodeo, it is illegal to have sex with a rodeo clown in the presence of horses.

What the fuck?

I'm in love with a stripper...

2009-01-15T22:54:00.004-05:00

...well, not really. Not even close.

But I did find myself once again fascinated with a person of the opposite sex. (Gasp!)

Now I had absolutely nothing to do today but laundry, homework, dusting, doing the dishes and other stuffl....none of which I actually did because I was too busy on YouTube downloading old clips of Sable from the WWF (now known as WWE...I liked it much better when the F was there). I don't know why I'm drawn to this woman but I could not stop watching these clips....for hours!

Don't worry, I'm not ready to jump the broom and marry the broad. The most important part of my body didn't even wake up while she was on TV (Thank God). But there is something there that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's how she was the underdog who was merely trying to defend herself. Maybe it was because people were jealous of her incredible beauty (Trust me, I can relate! Haha). Or maybe because when all was said and done, she could kick your ass and not break a nail....or stiletto heal.

Whatever the reasons, I just want to say to Sable, if she's reading this (yeah right), I miss you, and your fake boobs, and power bombs.

My Car Has AIDS

2009-01-11T21:21:00.002-05:00

Ugh, I hate people.

Anyone who knows me knows that my number one pet peeve is bitches who talk during the movies. Well tonight these 4 hoes were tap dancing on my last nerve during "The Unborn." I'm sitting there, trying to enjoy the somewhat cheezy movie and these 4 ghetto Woburn bitches would not shut up. After about an hour of their whispering and giggling and shit I finally asked them in the nicest way possible, "Would you shut the fuck up?" And instead of getting an apology, one of them turns around and says "What?" So my friend (not as nice as me) says "Shut the fuck up."

Still no apology.

Instead they continue whispering and giggling and making snide remarks about us. So instead of calling them the cum-guzzling whores that they were once the movie ended, we just get up and leave. Well we haven't made it to my car when I hear behind us, "Faggots!" Which turns into a big ugly scene in the movie theatre where the whores' best witty line is "faggot" (like they discovered the fountain of youth or something. Not that I'm some flaming queen or anything, but a blind man can tell I take it up the rear) and us calling them everything but children of God (trust me, God had nothing to do with that catastrophe).

So anyway, as I'm backing my car up, trying not to hit this bitch whose head is a big as Kim Kardashian's ass, she's whipping out her cheap ass camera phone to take a picture of my license plate. Then, my friend tells me that one of them spit on my car. And all I could think is "Great, my car has AIDS now."

Spygate

2008-11-29T21:08:00.000-05:00

Ever get the feeling you’re being watched? The tell-tale signs have been showing up around me for a bit, from my BlackBerry telling me how many times an incorrect password has been entered before the correct one was entered (that’s why they’re called Smartphones), to people asking me strange questions they wouldn’t normally ask (like they’re asking for someone else). It’s kinda funny, being spied on that is. It makes me wonder what I’m gonna do next. I see you watching me. LOL

Even as I get ready to go out and celebrate a friend’s birthday tonight, I know that I’m being watched. When I step into the club, the little spies will be focused on me for the entire evening. I hope they bring their video phones. Maybe I’ll give them a show. I wouldn’t want to disappoint them.

Stay Tuned….

Freedom to be Me

2008-11-29T21:06:00.000-05:00

I put my all in it, and I lost myself in it. It always happens, but this time I realized it before they screwed up. And I screwed up instead. Then I realized that it wasn’t me who screwed up. The person who screwed up is in my body, but it is not me, for I wouldn’t do it. I did, however, allow this person to take hold of me. And now I’m kicking him out. He’s leaving. I’ll be free. For once in my life….I’ll be free to be me.

A Valuable Lesson...

2007-04-04T17:52:00.000-04:00

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return." - Moulin Rouge

What Becomes of Me...

2006-08-22T01:02:00.000-04:00

This past weekend I found myself having more fun with my friends than I ever had before....and it was totally unexpected. One friend stopped in my job right before I got off and demanded that I go out for drinks with him. "Sure, why the hell not?" was my response. We ended up having one drink at Club Cafe before deciding to get more drinks at his place. Then another friends comes over. We drank. We ate. We drink and eat some more....and it was fantastic!

But for some reason....I felt that something was missing. I'm not sure what, but something felt different. Maybe its because I was so used to having a mate, a partner by my side whenever I socialized and now I don't. Or, maybe it's just the horny talking cuz I havent gotten any action in about 4-5 months. Whatever it was, it felt weird. Maybe I need to focus on me a little more and make sure that I'm ready for the world....and make sure the world is ready for me.

Men are stupid...

2006-08-15T19:11:00.000-04:00

Alright so I know I haven't posted in a while...although there is probably noone reading this anyway. But if there is someone out there here's what I've been up to:

Vacation - Puerto Rico

Absolutely gorgeous island! I had the opportunity to visit San Juan and really get to know the culture. I did tours of one of the forts in Old San Juan, the El Yunque Rain Forest, and another island called Culebra. Everything was just amazing...so beautiful.

Now that I'm back in reality I keep asking myself "What's wrong with me?" I like to think that I'm a nice enough person and am somewhat attractive. But it just doesn't seem like I'm anyone's type. It's kinda starting to get to me. Now I am enjoy my freedom and being single and shit...but damn....can somebody at least flirt with me? LOL

There is this guy that I kinda like...but I'm not sure if he feels the same way or just wants to stay friends. All I know is I have a lot to offer and would like someone to maybe offer it to. Men are stupid....

Let's Make Music...

2006-07-12T23:19:00.000-04:00

So I was on the T today and this guy pulls out a notebook and starts writing. After a closer look, I noticed that the pages of the notebook were music staffs and the guy was writing notes...Literally. Music notes. A nostalgic feeling came over me. I realized how much I missed singing classical music. Another thing I noticed was that the guy was absolutely gorgeous! Well, maybe not gorgeous but attractive nonetheless. I wanted to say something to him...ask him about the music he was writing...get some sort of conversation going. But I didn't. Why didn't I say anything to him? Was I afraid that he would look at me like I had 3 eyes? Was I afraid of the rejection if I decided I liked him enough to ask out? I don't know....this is all so new to me....

Billy

PS: I need to get laid....lol

Mad

2006-07-11T18:13:00.000-04:00

Alright, so I was supposed to look at an apartment today at 2pm. I go all the way downtown and the owner stands me up. An hour later I get an email on my BlackBerry saying that he leased the place last night. What a waste of fuckin time...

Some pics of me

2006-07-11T00:47:00.000-04:00

The Beginning

2006-07-11T00:26:00.000-04:00

Geez...where do I start? Ok...I'm newly single. And now it's time for me to get started on a new life. I'm looking for a new apartment in the city (I'm currently living in a suburb of Boston). As a matter of fact, I'm looking at a place tomorrow. I can't wait. And to top it off I go on vacation in a few days....things are looking up finally. Thanks to Mikey for the inspiration to blog. It's nice to put my random thoughts out there. My other blog is not a serious one...more goofy.